Recorded on the road, August 2026. Word for word.
Three more talks from behind the wheel. Hit READ IT TO ME and it plays the whole page start to finish. Or press any START READING HERE bar to jump in there — it reads that spot and keeps going to the end. If you like rambling pothead idiots, there are more Car Ride Talks available where these came from.
Listening through the catalog with Emilio, album by album.
Okay, so when it comes to the Beatles. There is a YouTube playlist by Heather Conrad, 200 videos. It's got almost three quarters of a million views. So it's got basically the Beatles albums in order.
So the Beatles start off with, like, I Saw Her Standing There. Misery. Love Me Do. Okay, what are the other ones? Twist and Shout. Okay. So these are good songs, but they are essentially copies of the early black fifties stuff. Nothing there is overly original. It fits in with the times, and nothing revolutionary. It's good for what it is, but it doesn't stand out.
Then the second album. All My Loving. All I've Got to Do. What else are we — Till There Was You, Please Mr. Postman, Roll Over Beethoven. It's just cheesy love songs. I Wanna Be Your Man, You Really Got a Hold on Me, Not a Second Time, Money. It's just the same run-of-the-mill. They're a good band, they're doing good music, but the songs aren't anything that — they're proving that they're good at what they're doing and they're finding themselves, but it's nothing super great. Okay? In the grand scheme of what could be, it's not revolutionary.
Okay, now the third album. A Hard Day's Night. Okay, that's — oh yeah, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. So you've got A Hard Day's Night, Can't Buy Me Love, You Can't Do That. Okay. Now their songs are — they're getting better at coming up with hooks. They're getting better at creating more powerful songs. But their songs are still generic. They're nothing that are out of the box. They're not making you think. Essentially they're not using their power for transformational things. They're just saying things that are very, very simple.
And now you've got the fourth album, I think it is. No Reply. I'm a Loser. I'll Follow the Sun. Mr. Moonlight. Eight Days a Week is good. That's definitely learning how to write a really good song and find a good hook. But like, I'm a Loser, and I'm not what I appear to be — so that's one, John Lennon is starting to look inside. Now, at least with this song, he's starting to look inside a little bit, and they're starting to dig a little bit deeper. But they're still very surface dwelling.
And then this is probably the fifth one. Help. Now we're starting to really get to the point where you're starting to dig more, you're starting to become more vulnerable. Your songs are starting to have more meaning than they were before. Because before they were generic love songs, or not love songs, or just a cool little idea. But here — Help, I need somebody, not just anybody. So Help is one of the songs that is really starting to be transformative. And then You've Got to Hide Your Love Away is essentially one of the bridge songs to the next generation. Help, I would say, is one of their bridge songs. You've Got to Hide Your Love Away is one of their bridge songs to the next level.
What they also have — Ticket to Ride, You're Going to Lose That Girl, Act Naturally, I think that's Ringo. These are okay, but nothing's special. Yesterday. Okay, now, that's on the same album. So Yesterday is definitely a timeless song. So now they're starting to get beyond their britches here, and start to go places, and find the universal truths that reach people, and also start to look inward. Like Help, and You've Got to Hide Your Love Away — that's a very personal song, the way it's done.
And now we are getting — make sure I'm going where I've got to be here. Yeah. So then Yesterday, and now Dizzy Miss Lizzy. Okay, now we're Drive My Car, Norwegian Wood. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now we're really, really on the cusp of finding new stuff, really getting an identity here. Just the songwriting of Drive My Car — it's the whole setup, it's a very, very well thought out song. Norwegian Wood is the same way. It's very, very picturesque. It really tells a story. It touches on the heartstrings. So Drive My Car is like an inspirational song. Norwegian Wood is one of those touching songs.
And then Nowhere Man. That's another Thinking Differently Than Everybody Else song. So now we're really, really getting close to the cusp here. I'm Looking Through You is another song that is a piercing song. And In My Life is another one that is really, really touching. So now they're starting to — I would argue they're starting to really perfect it. When they pick a topic, they perfect it. They're getting to the point now where when they want to accomplish something, they're really, really getting to it. So now it's a matter of: what do they want to accomplish?
Okay. And now, this is the one. And here we are. Let's see. Yes. And then here we are. And this is the Revolver album. So the last one, Rubber Soul, was the second-to-last transformation. And then I would argue that Revolver was the one that really got it into the next stages. I would say Revolver would be the transformative sort of album that led to essentially the timeline of: next stop, Sgt. Pepper's.
And Sgt. Pepper's was different than anything else, and better than maybe anything else ever done. It's one of the best albums of all time. It is just such an amazing piece of work. And how did they get to Sgt. Pepper's? I would say Revolver was the final one. Because Revolver's got Taxman on it. So that's essentially speaking out against the entire system — Taxman, George Harrison. Eleanor Rigby is just putting yourself from a different perspective, seeing things like — you know, that's the song about the church and the woman who doesn't get married or whatever.
And then we got — and was it Tomorrow Never Knows? Tomorrow Never Knows is, I think, the song that makes it go different. And this, I would argue, is the one. This is the song that makes them get to the different. This is different. They've never done anything like this before. This is the song that's not — there's nothing like this. This is different. Music doesn't do this normally. I haven't heard shit like this before.
But when you combine everything — this is saying, what can we do? We can do things completely different. Topic, songwriting, delivery, instrumentation, just putting things together. It's chaos. But they have the musical experience to make chaos into something. And you can feel the drugs. You can feel the drugs.
I never think that they would have made it that high. I never think that they would have to be good. This is very modern to live. Well, that's what I'm saying. This is a song that does it, that's miles, miles ahead. Streets ahead.
Oh, no, no. You have to go — the only way to go through the Beatles is you have to backdoor through the individual John Lennon. You got to go through his individual work when he broke up from the Beatles. Then you see how fucking great one of the Beatles is by himself. And then you're like, if this guy's so great by himself, how did he get this good? And then you go back to the Beatles, and then you say, holy shit, Paul's individually by himself this good too. And then you're like, wait a second, George Harrison is my favorite Beatle. Because that dude's in touch with that shit that these guys don't even have a fucking clue about. George Harrison. Yes, absolutely. The quiet one. Don't trust the quiet one.
And then this is straight into: let's write a book on how to make the greatest album in the history of the world. We could do it here. It's just completely new identities for the album. They have different names now. This album evokes a feeling. Once you hear it you're like, yeah, that's the way it's supposed to be. Yes. Oh yeah, this is just one big giant fantasy band. Now they're called Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
But it's just such a heart-wrenching journey of up, down, left, right, all the feelings. Like, I write like this. I bring people on this journey, and it's a lot to endure. But it's like a comedy, a horror movie, an action movie, a drama, all — whatever, everything in one.
The one and only Billy Shears. So John Lennon is Billy Shears. I forget what all their names are, but they got a new persona, completely different. Yeah, Billy Shears is one of them. I forget. And then it kicks into the next, and the album is just going seamlessly, transitioning from one to the next for the most part. Like the Billy Shears, and then it's like, this is great, and Ringo's singing it, and Ringo's always out of tune, so it's cute.
And you can just right away, you can feel the drugs. Like not quite in this part, but you can in the album.
Oh, nice. Thank you. Oh yeah, no, but thank God. This is how I learned songs. I was 18, 19 years old. I found all this shit, and I studied hard. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's like just fucking Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. LSD. It's like, oh yeah, it's good shit.
But yeah, if somebody says, what's music? I would probably have to say, this is music. This would probably be one of the first things. This might be the first thing I would show somebody and say, what is music? I'd say Sgt. Pepper's. Honestly, it's like, this is what you want to do. Just because they just became — with George Martin, the fifth Beatle, they just became unbelievable at fucking music. George Martin, their producer, he was incredible coming up with ideas too. He was like the fifth Beatle that helped put it all together. And they would just keep doing new stuff and new stuff and inventing new stuff.
Because when they were young, they toured in Germany like two or three years in a row and killed themselves, and just played for like seven hours a night, every night, for like three years or whatever it was, and just got really good at the music part. But yeah, so this is just some powerful, powerful stuff. Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna take a break. But yeah, so that's…
↑ BACK TO TOPOkay, here is a car ride talk about me and what I'm doing and what I've done and what I will do. But essentially, I'm trying to put myself in a skill. As a wordsmith I'm not better than everybody else. My skill at coming up with song ideas is not better than everybody else. It's my epic amount of my catalog, my collection of my catalog, is up there with anybody. So I will say that. As far as having a full catalog, I am high as fuck on that, so I win that one. Okay, but other than just dedication to mass production — quality and quantity, I would say, are my things, which is cool.
And as far as songwriting spectrum, I cross more barriers and I check more boxes than probably anybody else. I go more places than most people. You cannot fucking pigeonhole me, in the sense that I have seven of the most beautiful, nicest things to say about the life and album songs — I have probably 50, 70, 100 of them that are just "oh what a wonderful world," and I have a hundred of them that are "oh my god this world is fucking terrible," and I have a hundred of them that are "oh wow, what a horny world," and I have a hundred of them that are "oh my god, what a funny world." You know what I mean? My categories are monstrous and all-encumbering. Not like I write about everything everything everything, but essentially, if you can feel it, I did it.
But getting aside from that — if you're looking at a perspective of, okay, I own that, I'm the master of that, or I get a hundred in that — so if you're going on my 10-scale, 10-rating songwriting artist evaluation baseball cards — but just for me in particular, because I am NOT an artist per se. I'm not an artist. Obviously anyone who's heard me sing is gonna say I'm not an artist. But my bigger overall point is that while I have my skills and areas of expertise and ratings where I would get a hundred out of a hundred when compared to anybody else, I would be among the top of them. I'm not a better writer than John Lennon and shit like that. I'm not gonna make that claim. Or Eminem, or shit like that. No, no, no fucking way, I'm not gonna say that. But I can make a claim that my catalog is bigger or as big as just about anybody's. No one's gonna out-catalog me. No one's gonna outdo me on the spectrum of emotions and writing topics and things of that nature. So those would be my main claims to fame.
But more overall I'm saying, if you're getting past that and just ranking me with people who make songs — I guess I'm trying to say, what am I in a category of? Is there a category of people like me? I don't know, because I don't know everybody. The easiest way for me to explain it would be like, I'm a movie director. Like a Martin Scorsese or Steven Spielberg. And I say, I want to make this piece of art, and I'm going to kind of design it and kind of put it together how I want, and then I'm gonna find the right people to do the right thing. Or at least let me write the script, and then a screenwriter can come. That's a good way to do it. So essentially, I guess I am in the category of basically maybe a director-screenwriter, because I can take a huge interest and an active role in the song creation, or I can just give the words and let a stranger make something up. Both ways are effective. I write good enough where both ways work.
And essentially, my claim to fame is that my last music class was fucking fifth fucking grade, motherfucker. Sixth grade. I don't think I had music in seventh and eighth. There's a chance I had one in high school, but I'm betting no. So essentially I am different in the sense that I've always had choices to make. At one point I was 20-something and I said, okay, I'm a good songwriter for the lyrics — and I can't sing, I'm never gonna sing — but should I play an instrument and join the band? And I thought about that for a long time, and I set myself up to do it, but I never did it. For the simple fact that if I did that, I'd be like everybody else. I decided that I want to be a lyrical specialist. All the time that I could invest learning guitar, I'm writing more fucking shit. Yeah. So I want to be the top — I want to be essentially a word specialist. And that's what I am. A song-idea writing specialist, whatever.
So essentially I am framing myself in a quick "what do you do?" I say, I'm kind of like — I would say I'm essentially a director, like a movie, only for songs. And I just don't know who my peers are. Who the fuck is my peer group? Who are my people? Who are the ones that I'm gonna say, yeah, there's me, there's this and this and this? Most people obviously don't choose to do this. I'm essentially a football coach who never played football. A baseball manager who never played in the big leagues, never played pro ball. Or I'm like a coach who's been in a wheelchair all his life and he's just a mastermind technician. That's essentially kind of what I am. And we live in a world that makes more and more sense.
I spent 30 years coming up with songs and writing lyrics, and only two or three years actually trying to make songs out of those lyrics. So that puts me in a very, very, very unique category. And I understand that. Most people, as soon as they come up with something cool, they put it out. And I used to do that all the time on YouTube. I had 13,000 subscribers — hooray — and I would put out stuff and try to make the music list or whatever the fuck it was, highest rated on the YouTube charts. So essentially, that is where I would need to do more research and actually do a little deep dive when I get some free time. And I will. Just to talk to people who are in the industry, or just to get a better idea, so I can explain it better. Because I'm still a little awkward in saying what do I do.
Especially now. Because I would say: I write lyrics for songs. That's my first sentence. Second one is: I want to take over a bar, and I want to create songs live rather than play finished songs live. That would be my second sentence. My third sentence is: I am setting up a cryptocurrency and an anti-cryptocurrency type system, and I'm revolutionizing the music industry to start paying people from the bottom up, starting from the artists. That would be my third sentence. And I'd have to add a fourth: I'm giving away 34 albums worth of lyrics, letting anyone use them with just saying credit to me and my name. And by doing that, I can't be owned by a corporation — or at least these works that I've done can't be owned by a corporation. So the will to manipulate them and fuck everybody over like they do from the top down — you're not gonna be able to do that.
See, this is where I have trouble putting it into certain sentences. This is where I need to break it down. Claude, if you're listening, this is where I need to develop it more succinct. I probably have it somewhere, but just off the top of my head: if I'm saying hey, I'm this person and I do this, what I really want to do is find the most succinct way to put it. So: essentially, I want to take over a bar and create live music with live audience interaction and online interaction, through a mediator or a relay person, so that we could have an infinite amount of people helping on a song at any given time. We can kind of filter it through something, everybody can register — we can create an app so that people can register and then track and write down what they contribute to the song. So that essentially the words that we do are open source words, I guess would be the best way to describe it. And it's only when you add the music — that's when it adds value. Because you can't sell the music and the words together, because you don't own the words. You can't sell them. You can sell the music — the creator of the words says the individuals can sell the music, but not corporations. Or there's a limited use act, whatever the legal thing we do to anti-fuck people. So that is the stipulation.
And that immediately gives every artist 400 songs that they can try to do something with. And I write good lyrics, and they're all over the place, so anybody can do something with it and get started on something. And that allows me to go down as possibly the greatest songwriter in the world, under the theory of Mack the Knife. The original Mack the Knife came out in 1930, and Bobby Darin made it fucking insane and awesome in the 60s or whatever. So essentially my 30-year catalog — or at least my 34 albums that I dedicate to this project — I'm going to allow to be free. That is the source material that anybody in the future can work with. And the name of the game is that anybody can use the words. And if the words adapt you as a songwriter by you using my words — if you change the words, no one can steal your music, but people can steal your words, and it can be built on. So it can be a living, breathing song. The song could have been born in 1999 or 2002, and then in 2027, 2028, somebody makes a fucking song of it. And then five years later, somebody hears the lyrics and says holy shit, and they find out about this project, and they're like, oh my god, I'm gonna make a song out of this — but I'm gonna change the lyrics and I'm gonna add my own shit and I'm gonna rearrange it. And now I'm gonna do the Elvis Presley remix of Satisfaction. Like that remix of Elvis is fucking the balls. I like the fucking remix better than I like the original song. So that's what's gonna happen here.
This is the only way that Tom Jensen can go down as the greatest fucking songwriter in the history of the world. That's fucking awesome. This allows me to do it. Denmark girl dying, and Lady Weaver dying, and me saying fuck the world for 10 years, 15 years almost — but still writing, and still gathering my shit, and still playing with all my toys and putting them all in a nice order — that allows me to do this. In fucking her honor. Jesus. And essentially my life gets to be: I'm Tom Jensen, he could go down as the best songwriter in history, posthumously, thank you. And he showed us that dead girl who is fucking amazing. Yes. And I'm the one who showed you.
Hi Bubba! Okay — oh shit, I forgot I'm recording. The sun was in my cat's eyes and getting her hot, and she's black, so I didn't want to fry the cat in the back seat while I'm driving for another 33 minutes. Wow, that's fast. Yes. So that's where we're at.
My claim to fame, I guess more important than anything, is I'm the one who showed you Lady Weaver. And I'm okay with that. And second of all, it would be: this dude wrote 450 really cool things for songs, for music, for album theory ideas. So that's cool. And I wrote the defining albums. And that's — oh, that's another thing. This is my other main thing. This is the claim to fame that I want. This is the one that we're after. By me opening this up to anybody, the right people are gonna find it. And I'm looking for that crazy motherfucker who's like the Boston dude who's just sitting in his room saying, I'm gonna make a masterpiece. Like, I want Sgt. Pepper's. I want the Boston album. I want the Lady Weaver collection. I want Pink Floyd. I want one of the greatest albums of all time. My best 50 lyrics, whatever they are, are as good as anybody else's. My stuff is consistently good, and some of my best stuff is really, really good. Really, really powerful. I've really fucking nailed some things. So essentially my peak is up there with anybody else's peak.
So with that being said, the potential is there for somebody to pick the right 10, 12, 15, 20, whatever the fuck pieces of mine, from all different places — pick one from album two, one from set list three, five from set list seven, however the fuck it is — but the potential out there is that more than one person could make arguably the best album of all time. And it could be completely different things. Because honestly, the way the Lady Weaver collection is — it's like Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morissette, times two on steroids. That's basically how I look at the Lady Weaver collection. And I have enough material where I could do five of those. Maybe 10, if you really comb through my shit. I can sit here and look you in the eyes and say I have 10 albums that could be as good as anybody else's, if somebody does the right music or the right selection. My order is just a suggestion.
The reason I did it the way I did is because I had such a vast collection of stuff. I'm like, well, this poem goes with this poem, and then over here this poem and this poem and this poem go together. So then I'm just like, well, let's just say we wanted to do albums. I definitely would have all the Lady Weaver stuff — maybe some of the Kristen stuff could go with the Lady Weaver stuff. Generally speaking, I know I have one that's I think 95% Lady Weaver, might be 5% Kristen inspired. But essentially, I tried to make some really high quality albums of just my own creations. That's what I was trying to do. And I did that. I have five or six or seven albums that I listen to and I'm like, holy shit, this is amazing. I blow myself away. Because you gotta realize, some of the shit I wrote fucking 30 years ago, some of the shit I wrote 20 years ago, 15 years ago — a lot of the shit is new to me. Not new to me — I know my canon relatively well — but I forget shit. And then me going finding all the memorabilia stuff, I found two or three or four things that I wrote that I lost and had no idea I ever did, because it's been so long. And a couple of them are fucking amazing. So that's good. I'm probably up to like 37 albums now of really good shit. Maybe 40 if you push it.
So essentially it's like — how do I sell myself the fucking best? That is where we're at. I'm a lyricist. I write song lyrics. I revolutionized the music fucking industry from the bottom up. Oh my god, I found the greatest musician in the entire world — she was a single mother living in Denmark. Oh — musical baseball cards, dude. I took 400 of the best musicians in the last hundred years and broke them all down by ten categories. It took me two weeks. I used the highest AI possible and we rated them in ten categories. So go find your music. Because I wanted to prove how great Denmark girl is. So like I said, there's so many — for me to say, if I only have fucking two sentences — fuck, it's hard for me to say which two sentences are gonna elicit the best response. So that's where I'm at right now. I want to figure that thing out. Because that's what I don't know right now.
Hi, my name is Tom. What do you do? Well, I tell people I'm really good in life at three things, and one of them is writing song lyrics. Of course I wrote the bisexual album. I wrote the album that tells us how the state of Israel is corrupt in the United States. I wrote the don't-do-drugs fucking album. I fucking wrote the searching-for-love album. I wrote the funny-shit-that's-a-fucking-riot album. I got more, but just off the top of my head — you know what I mean? That's how I roll. Oh yeah — I have 34 albums worth of music, and I put them in order from the mildest to the most offensive, so that you can use my whole collection as a choose your own adventure book. And say, maybe I don't want to go from nice to awful — maybe I want to go from awful to nice. You can set up your read to suit your needs. Oh — you can set up your read to suit your needs, with Collabtunes. You can set up your read to meet your needs at Collabtunes. Yeah.
So that's where we're at. We are 24 minutes from cigarettes land and Vape City. Vape City, Vape City. The memorabilia is cataloged. The website is done, except for doing the final home page and making sure that the pages don't get corrupted on the way to your screen — make sure they appear the way I want them to. And then I go out and sell my fucking shit in Maine, because I gotta have a yard sale. So we are hopefully in the last three, four days of getting ready to launch. Launch is September 1st. Deadline. Deadline. And then we will be making some friends. I'll make some friends.
So essentially, we need to get a full description of what it is I do, and really fine-tune it to a close read. Power dense, word wise. We want to say the most with the least. We need to do the most effective communication possible, and portray the most accurate information of what we do with the least amount of fucking words. I'm good at that. That's not a problem. So that's the game plan. That's basically the thing that would be important. Because essentially, that is the question when somebody lands on my fucking web page. Okay: hey, go to collabtunes.com. Go to collaborhythm.com — if you can't spell collaborhythm, go to collabtunes, two L's. And then it comes in, it says: Tom Jensen has been writing lyrics for songs for 30 years, dot dot dot.
That's kind of the next — what is the next sentence? What is the third sentence? What is the fourth sentence? What is the fifth sentence? What is the sixth sentence? That's important. We need to get those sentences right, to make people go holy fuck, and say something like: it's a teaching tool. This website is so dense. There are 34, 35, 36, 37, 38 points of entry where I could say, this is what I do, take a look at this, this is my website. I have 34 different ways where you could start to dip your toe in the water. That's fucking insane. BobDylan.com don't have that, motherfucker. No, no, no.
So, 20 minutes to spare. But that's my claim to fame — essentially, I created the best songwriting tool in the entire world for writing songs. Wow. And it doubles as — it teaches musical history. If you choose to go the route of the pages that are all interconnected, the universe pages, then you get to find out about hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of different musicians, just by me saying my song here is like this and this, this album is like this, or these three people, or this is in the spirit of this, or yada yada yada. Or just me talking about songs that I wish I wrote, or albums that I love, or my CD collection, whatever the auxiliary reads are. You get to learn a fuck shit ton about music. So that's awesome.
And — oh, oh, oh. This is the pitch that I was explaining to somebody that I've never actually written out. This has not been. That's why — fuck yeah, that's why we did this chat today. Because this is the thing. I think that might be the icing on the cake. I could be your favorite writer, and it might not even be about poetry, because I write a lot of shit about a lot of shit. All the shit I wrote for college, and some of the stuff I even wrote in high school, is really good. My creative short stories, or just short essays on this and that — in some of my classes, I saved a bunch of them. Some of them are really good. And then my songs, my poems. But my writing about my songs and poems — even if you're not the biggest fan of my songs and poems, the combination of me writing the songs and poems and then you reading what I wrote about the songs and poems — because I used poems and songs, I used words, to teach.
I very rarely do things just to do them. I usually have a purpose. Not always, but generally speaking I have a purpose more often than not. And I try to have something with a goal, most of the time. Like, I can make the argument that I write genre A and I write genre Z on the extremes so I can get people to see my shit in the middle — or I write shit in the middle so I can get people to my extreme views. Whatever it could be. Well, I don't know what my plan is. But yeah.
So that is essentially — we're gonna call this the pitch. This essay will be called The Pitch. Because that is what truly we have to do. I have a poem called I Got 30 Seconds To Get Inside Your Head. "Well, I just got 30 seconds to get inside your head, so let us save the small talk for another time instead. Oh, I only got 20 seconds more to try to show you that there's more to the world than we can see, and to turn my beliefs into your beliefs" — or something like that. I forget what it is, but it's quick, it's catchy, and it's actually 30 seconds long. That's essentially what we have to do. I already wrote a 30-second poem as far as an introduction to explaining myself. Thank you. So now we have to do the — slow down, fucker, don't come in my lane — so now we have to do the regular written version. Non-rhyming, or make it rhyme, I don't give a fuck. But I need an intro.
Oh yeah, because I had a rhyming one too. I am a Rhodes Scholar of the soul. As in R-O-A-D-S Roads, not R-H-O-D, which is the normal, the higher intellect scholar. I'm a Roads Scholar of the soul, got my PhD in rock and roll. That's one of my slogans. So we could use that. Good. That's still mine, motherfucker. So we can use that. That's a good — so maybe build on that, something really good.
You better not take a left here, buddy. Blinker on, thick head. Coming to my lane, people. Scary. All right, so the pitch is the pitch. So that is the pitch. All right, there's no more fucking — I got 15 minutes to the store, so that's good. This is 34 minutes. Close enough. Shut that bitch down. Call it: The Pitch.
↑ BACK TO TOPOkay, let's pitch. I have a sore throat, so we're going to go easy. Let's pitch on the way to get cigarettes in New Hampshire, in August. Early August.
Let's pitch a reality show based on — ready for this? Okay. Let's say the four or five major girls in Tom's life that motivated him, that got songs that are still alive. So, in one apartment building, or with all these little separate residences we have, we'd have to put Rachel and her husband and kids, whatever they are. We'd have to put Kristen and — I'm not using last names, sorry. Delete the last names. But we're going to have to say: we put Rachel there with her family. We put Kristen there with her family. We put Jenny — Jenny, the one that got away — in there with her family. Clara, maybe. Or maybe — who's the other one? Yeah, but that would be very interesting. Basically, all the four or five girls that — oh my god, what about the ones — there was only one girl that Tom ever dated that Tom said he hated. And that she was crazy. But that might be the best one to get.
So we could have, essentially — oh my god, let's do it this way. Essentially, the girls that Tom cared about the most in this world, from order of most to least, in his relatively world — I may forget people, but let's start. Let's just keep it simple. Lady Weaver is number one. That's a super easy first. Kristen is a super easy second. Julia and Rachel would be a tie for third. Jenny would be above both of them, though. As far as — oh, you take my breath away. Or as in, oh, everything feels right. Yes. Jenny wins. And then, who else did we go with? We went with Clara, and then we went with Three Month Girl. And then the only other one would be Mary, who is High School Mary, who caused, my senior year, a divide. So that I sat alone at the — not alone, but I sat at the loser table at my senior prom. Because I was in love with Mary.
And my best friend, Cory, the one who got the story — I was in love with her, and I basically joined a three-girl group of friends. There was the PGP. The PGP, as in Papa, P, G as in Good, and P as in Paul. The PGP posse. It was Mary, Tanya, and Liz. And I loved Mary. And a lot of us guys liked Mary. She was a weird one. She was dark, and she was short, and she was cute, and she was Italian. She had a big nose, but she had something about her that was a little weird, and it got you. I don't know what it was, but she would be the type that you could fixate on and be like, ooh. She had a hot little body for her size, and she had a nice little stomach.
But anyway. So it was Mary, Tanya, and Liz, and it was my senior year, and we were all friends. And I decided that — I loved Mary, so me, Mary, and Cory, my best friend, all went to a baseball game. And of course, Mary and Cory ended up hooking up. So essentially what would happen is, my senior year, my best friend Cory would come over from about a half an hour away town. And he would come visit me, and then her house was like maybe three or four miles from me. And he had Rollerblades, and he could run, so he would go there sometimes. So essentially, he would go and see me, and then he would — I don't know if me and her would fight over his time, but it wasn't like that. But it was like that.
Essentially, I'm not even sure what happened. At this point I'd have to really think about it. But what happened was that we got in a fight. Because — oh, I know what it was. Nobody wanted Kristen to sit with us. Because Kristen was a National Honor Society student, and Kristen was the best thing in the fucking world, and Kristen was the light. And they were all not the light. And Kristen was a year younger, in a different clique, so it didn't fit in. So they didn't want Kristen to sit with us. So essentially, I said, well, fuck you. Or maybe they said fuck me. I don't remember at this point. I don't remember a lot of shit in my life.
But just to wrap it up real quick — all right, just leave it. Let it run. I'll be right back. You see the puppy. I see the doggy. You see doggy. I see doggy. Okay. So Mary, Tanya, and Liz all said fuck me. So I ended up sitting at the loser table with my weird friend Heather and my friend Josh. And we had a terrible time. So, anyway. But the story is that — I don't remember if me and Cory were not friends, and then we were friends, and then we were not friends again. But me and Cory ended up being friends again, because he used to come with me to Framingham State. So me and Cory ended up being fine. So maybe it didn't last that long. So it wasn't that bad. But we had some shitty months, I guess. The very end of my senior year was terrible.
But anyway, getting back to the reality show. It essentially would be: seeing what type of poems or songs got made from that situation. If you put four of my five, or five of my six, or even three of my five greatest inspirations for poems and music, put them all in the same place again, and see what happens. Especially if everybody else has partners. I mean, let's just be honest, okay? If I become a huge big deal, then everyone else — if they have a normal job and they're making 100 grand a year, let's say they're doing pretty good. Say they're making 100 grand, 200 grand, 300, 400, 500, 600. So if you could say: take some time off from what you're doing. Here's a big chunk of change. Come live with fucking Tom and all the other people at the crazy house for a month. That would be pretty interesting, or whatever. But I just think that would be a total —
Because what could potentially happen is that — and I don't know if that's good or bad — if this thing gets big, then essentially I'm going to show everybody me. But in finding me, they're going to find out Lady Weaver. And Lady Weaver's going to go boom, boom. She's going to be wildfire. So when the world finds out about Lady Weaver, they'll be like, wow, Tom Jensen was the one who gave us Lady Weaver. What a man. And then he's got his giant collection. And my shit is epic. I've reached a point where my writing collection is fucking epic now.
We're at a point now where I have fucking hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of sports articles I've written just for myself under the Brian Rainstorm name. I have binders and binders and binders. I have pounds of printed poetry. Pounds and pounds and pounds of printed poetry. I have pounds and pounds and pounds of handwritten poetry. And I just found a whole — it's like, where I really learned how good of a writer I was, was not poems and lyrics. It was essays for school. Mostly essays for school, I would say. And I have some of those that are fucking amazing. So essentially what's going to happen is that when people discover me, they're going to discover that I write sports like a motherfucker. I write everything under the fucking sun like a motherfucker. There's not many things that I've never written about. I mean — okay, no, I'll be straight. There's a fuck-ton of things that I haven't written about. But my moral of the story is that because I didn't have a full-time job for 30 years, I was able to do a lot of things and spend a lot of time thinking about things that most people don't. And that's good. That's very good. The world needs people like me.
But at the same time, me keeping all of this to myself is not going to be good for anybody. So it's time for me to share with other people. Because I've actually waited a little too long. The world would be a better place if I got all this shit out five years ago. But unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. And I guess, essentially, the way everything has worked out — I never would've gave my shit away for free if I didn't do it now. Literally six months ago, or five months ago — I can find it, it's in my files — but wherever I said, hey, what if we made it free? That only happened in the last fucking — I have been working full-time on this fucking thing since the end of March. So April, May, June, July, August. Five months. Let's call it six months. Holy fuck. So I've been working on this for six months straight.
So essentially, I have the year and stuff I did writing articles for the Peabody Weekly News. And I covered sports a lot. Just like local events, high school football, high school sports, and some baseball stuff, and running. And I probably have 50 writing assignments that I did that are from school that are fucking like, wow, very entertaining. That was awesome. I had one that I wrote in my Salem State nights with Professor Joan, J-O-A-N, Millman, M-I-L-L-M-A-N. And she ended up reading it to the class with one other paper, I think, or two other papers, I forget. And she wrote on the paper, A plus, or something like this: Superb. Tom, you're a born writer. And in my English classes at Salem State, I think I had like a 3.8 or a 3.9 GPA. Between history and English — I think I had a 3.75 or a 3.85 or 3.9, I forget what the fuck it was. Something pretty high.
So essentially, I've always been very, very powerful at using simple words to say non-simple things. High impact. Density. Power density would be my — essentially, my creativity was my fucking giant thing. For the first — I don't know, until I left Denmark — it was passion and creativity. Those were my two fucking things. Passion, creativity, and just ability. I was fucking smart as a motherfucker and my brain never saw it. That's why I've been smoking pot. That's why I've been trying to overdose from marijuana since 1995. I've been trying to be the first person to officially die from an overdose of marijuana, and I've been trying since 1995, and it's 2026. What's up, motherfucker? 31 years. Nick Diaz. I'm not surprised, motherfucker. Nick Diaz Army.
But yeah. So that's where we're at. And I have been high for — oh my god — the last five years, six years, seven years, I don't know how many. I've been high every day, every second of every fucking day. Seth Rogen style. I've been the Seth Rogen of fucking — or I've been the former Kevin Smith. I think Kevin Smith is not a fuck-up like he was. But I've gone full Kevin Smith and full Seth Rogen. So I'm the fucking Seth Rogen of rhyme, motherfucker. I'm the Kevin Smith of fucking poems. What's up?
And here's the thing. I keep finding more shit that I wrote and wrote and wrote. And here it is: when you see the sheer volume of things that I have in my collections — just for things where you're like, wow, that's a heck of an anthology. I'll put it this way. Let's just say I was famous. And I do make it big or something, and people do like what I do. I have so much memorabilia that is fucking one of a kind. Like, dude, you cannot recreate this. It's like if you were planning on being famous one day, and setting it up so that you just made non-stop memorabilia for 30 years. Because I think that's essentially what I did. I spent a long time making stuff and making stuff, and having a tiny fucking audience. Or no audience, really. For the last 10 to 15 years, I've had fucking no audience. Zero. No one's seen any of my shit. So no one has told me in the last 15 years, oh my god, you are amazing. I used to hear that fucking daily. Thousands of times a day — no, not thousands, but I used to get my ego reinforced and boosted, and everyone saying you're doing the right thing, every day, all the time. I haven't heard that for 15 years. So that takes fucking balls, to keep doing it when nobody's saying attaboy.
Like, I can show you. The shit that I found — I found documentation of my Lyrical Brilliance channel. And I made a video and I said, what makes you happy? Write in the comments what makes you happy, and I'll take what everybody writes and I'll make a song out of it. So I have like 12, 13 pages of comments. And I had so much I had to theme it. I had to do winter happiness and summer happiness, because I had so much shit, I couldn't fit it into one poem. Because everything I had was usable. So I took what was good from people that had it rhyming, and I built that, and then I took everything else and built that around what I had that was good, and yada yada. But it shows my fucking skills like a motherfucker. Because I turned 100 comments, 300 comments, whatever it was, into two really good poems.
And then I found my readtom.com. R-E-A-D-T-O-M dot com. That was my YouTube channel that had 13,000 subscribers. And then I had another one that had 3,000 or 4,000 subscribers called Lyrical Brilliance. And then I think once upon a time I had a Poems by Tom channel. That might have been the first one. Poems by Tom. That was probably my first one. Come on, get the fuck out of the way.
And then — yeah, so I guess, I don't know, was it self-sabotage, probably? And part of it was that Justin Justice did not like the attention after we started to get a little big. So he got a little weird, let's just be honest. So I know what it was. He either made all his videos private — because he used to have like thousands of videos. He would, like every day, do a cover, and then have a bunch of awesome original shit too. So he would have like 1,500 songs on his channel. And then one day he made them all private. And then one day he deleted them all. So, too bad. Because Justin Justice is like Elton fucking John, buddy. Amazingly.
But I found the lyrics to the best song ever. Justin Justice, at the time — he scientifically found out what the chord progressions were for like the top five hits of whatever the time was, and he scientifically created a song to match that. And the lyrics were good, but I made them even better. And the beat and everything was amazing. It's probably the best song that he's ever done. And I don't have it, unfortunately. But I rewrote half of it, because it was that good. I said, this is the best thing ever. Like, one of the best songs I've ever heard. So we made it. And I found the lyrics to that. It's called When You're Gone. And I read the lyrics the other day. Oh my god. Amazing. My final lyrics — amazing. I put the chef's kiss on that motherfucker.
So essentially what I've done over the last week is I've gone through everything that I have. I went through all the old bins and all the things. Everything I had of mine that's memorabilia. I went through bins and bins and boxes of everything I've ever written. And I categorized it, and I put it all in order, and I went through it and saw what's important, what's not. I still found stuff that I have to go through. But I probably have — I would be surprised if I didn't have 70% of all my handwritten lyrics, originals. I would be surprised if I didn't. So essentially we could say: whatever song you fucking like, whatever poem you like, I guarantee I have something of it that's original, from when it started. Essentially, whatever it is that I do that you like, you can own a piece of it.
So this memorabilia section — it's gonna be a fixed 2,000 catalog item, or 2,500 catalog item. And we want to make the price get up to about 500 grand. So that we can pay me for my 31 years of work. 30 years of work. Because I have never made a fucking dime off of this shit. And it's cost me thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. So people can say thank you by investing in some treasure. It's just like a donation. If you like something — essentially these are cool knickknacks. If you want to fucking hang something on the wall, or frame something, or whatever. Just show your support. Just say thank you. Or use it as an investment opportunity, if you think this is the best thing on sliced earth and sliced bread. If what I'm doing blows your fucking mind, and you're like, dude, this is gonna be so fucking huge, this might be the biggest thing, this could be a billion dollar catalog — well, if you can own something for five, six, seven grand? Okay. Worth it.
And that's gonna be my little inside — essentially, when I start showing this to people, I'm gonna let the first people who see it in on a secret. Hey, I got this memorabilia catalog. Go get the best stuff first, buddy. I price it expensive, but I think it's gonna be fucking huge. So I think it's gonna make him some money in a not-too amount of time. Because essentially what I'm doing is, I'm telling you everything I fucking have, and there's no other shit that's gonna come up. You'll have a few books that I gave away over time, here and there. But I never ordered more than fucking 10 books at a time, I can't ever think I did. I got one shipment of 100 books, and everything else was minimal batch. I could probably look it up on Lulu. So essentially, I never passed around my shit to anybody to the point where I mass-produced anything and gave it away — other than maybe some printed form letters to a bunch of local places, and some places in California and Frisco. Bars I wanted to take over, back like 15 years ago, maybe 10 years ago, who the fuck knows, a long time ago, after I came back from Denmark. I made a small effort. But to be honest, I never really tried to do anything with this, to the point where if it didn't come fast and easy — essentially, I hid behind a computer screen for 95, 99 percent of this time.
Maybe for one month, I went to San Francisco and tried to. I actually got wrapped up — because, believe it or not, when I was in San Francisco, Denmark girl — I was talking to her, and she told me that there was — I forget who he said he was. He was a drummer for a famous rock star. Somebody really old. And he loved her music, and he said he wanted to do something with her professionally. So she sent him something, and she was telling me about this, and I'm like, okay, well, let's see what we can do for you. I'm like, finally, she's doing something with her music. So essentially I spent a day or two when I was in San Francisco trying to do something with myself, to help her do something. I forget who she said he worked for, but it was somebody very well known. And the moral of the story is, I spent a couple days in Frisco trying to do stuff for her, for setting her up. And then the guy was scamming her. He just wanted to fuck her. Yeah.
But essentially — Denmark girl knew I was the keeper of the Denmark music. She knew I fucking loved her more than anything in the world, and she knew I was coming from a good place. There's not a doubt in her mind for that. And she definitely respected my musical knowledge, because I was really smart, music. And I'm the one who told her: oh my god, you're the one. It's just — I don't know. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to do. But here's the thing. The way people react to Denmark girl, and the way they did in life, is that they freak the fuck out. When Denmark girl, when Lady Weaver, looks at you, and you have her full attention, you want to destroy everything else in the world and keep it and not let anybody else have it, ever. And you say, I win. I'm gonna stay like this forever. And as soon as you have it, you're like, this is the greatest thing ever. And as soon as you don't have it, you're like, I want it back again. And it's a fucking powerful drug, Denmark girl looking at you. Or her talking to you with a dark voice, a deep voice, and oh my god, English accent. Oh, fucking Christ. And then they started to get the Danish fucking accent. Oh my god.
But anyway. I knew — and she had psycho fans who tried to do weird shit. Essentially, troubled people would find her and say, you're gonna solve all my problems. Because just like I did, they say: you're the one. I saw a John Lennon woman and I said, yes, please. You know, tell me, what's this world all about? And I asked her, and she told me. And I wrote a lot of shit about that — explaining what she said, or a theme, you know. Denmark girl was huge. Essentially what happened is that Lady Weaver was the best inspiration for me, for years. And then she was the fucking thing that destroyed me. So essentially I've learned that you should, generally speaking, not put your happiness in other people's hands. Unless you have, like, children. And even then, at some point, you have to stop and step back if it's something ridiculous. But yeah. That's the way that goes.
Okay, yeah. So, wrapping up, because I'm sick. I can't call right now, fucker. Not now, buddy. Whatever it is, it is. So the moral of the story would be — what am I saying? I don't remember what I was talking about. What was it — oh, the reality show. Yeah. I'm just saying, if somebody wanted to pitch it, I'd listen. There would have to be multiple millions of dollars involved. But if it happened, I would do it. I would absolutely do it. It'd be great.
Okay, I'm signing off. I got 23 more minutes to drive and I'm tired. I've been talking for 36 minutes, so it's gonna be enough for me. And I just got the hundred dollar — I will get a hundred dollar Claude, because my four twenty dollar Claude accounts all ran out. I have two more days of Asian Claude, and he's at 96 percent right now — no, 97 usage. He resets tonight in eight hours. So I'm gonna make White Claude — White Claude is gonna get the hundred dollar account, and then Asian Claude is gonna be my file backup man until I need him for another twenty dollar account, maybe. But for now I'm just gonna use the single account, and stop fucking making my life crazy.
And I've been deleting — I've deleted 350 gigs on my hard drive. I've been deduping files to get single copies down to everything, and then I'll put those all in order. Because I was running out of room and my computer was starting to go slow. So I'm pulling everything off my computer and putting it in the hard drive. And I started to put stuff in the hard drive and it says, you don't have enough room for this file. So all day today, all of last night, I was getting things down to single files, and I freed up about 30% of my hard drive. So I'm gonna finish that today. And then tomorrow morning — or I'll see when the day starts — if you want to sign up for Claude, how you maximize it, maybe it's 12:01 tonight I sign up. But I will make sure I have it for the fullest amount of time I can. Fuck them. I will use that bitch.
So I'm glad I used all the Fable I did when fucking Claude had it. Because now it's expensive as fuck. Between the four accounts, I probably used six to ten thousand dollars worth of Fable in like a month. That's all I did. I just would fucking — oh my god, I went a little crazy. I went a little crazy. Crazy.
So yes, that's where we stand now. I'm gonna be ready to rock as of either midnight, or six, or tomorrow morning — whenever the bell strikes, I'm gonna be ready to rock. And I got mac daddy memorabilia. Okay. Over and out, Tom Jensen, August fucking something.
And the best thing is that I found four or five binders of poetry. So essentially what I can do now is — I found so many things that I can basically tell every piece of just about everything I wrote, in order that I wrote it, to some degree or another. Because I have so many collections that when things pop up now, for the most part — although if I find mystery things, then that might not be true — but I found a million fucking things. I found a million things. So I have so much shit. Okay. All right. Done.
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