Jeff Winger — "The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people!"

Professor Ian Duncan — "This is why I came to America!"

Starburns — "My name is Alex Osbourne and if you're watching this it means I'm dead."

Troy Barnes — "I'm high as hell and you're about to get shot!"

Annie Edison — "I am not okay!"

Pierce Hawthorne — "Oh, gay. Gay, gay, gay. So gay. Dark nightclub. Oh, throbbing music. Men's room stall. Penis. Two penises!"

Magnitude — "POP POP!"

Ben Chang — "Gay!!!!!!"

Britta Perry — "It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records. And before you can say '1984', the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread!"

Troy Barnes — "Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should have read that book!"

Professor Ian Duncan — "I'm fairly certain this is illegal."

Jeff Winger — "I don't believe in God, but I do believe in this…"

Pierce Hawthorne — "I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival, but fair warning — it's my penis."

Abed Nadir — "I don't believe in fate… but I do believe in patterns."

Britta Perry — "I'm just trying to survive in a world that doesn't make sense."

Ben Chang — "I am a god of chaos."

Shirley Bennett — "I don't understand anything, but I respect it."

Troy Barnes — "I don't know what's going on, but I'm enjoying it."

Abed Nadir — "This is the darkest timeline."

Pierce Hawthorne — "Streets ahead."

Pierce Hawthorne — "If you have to ask, you're streets behind!"

Troy Barnes — "I'm in!"

Britta Perry — "I'm a psych major. Words are my weapons."

Shirley Bennett — "I'm addicted to encouraging white people."

Britta Perry — "I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty."

Shirley Bennett — "That's racist."

Pierce Hawthorne — "No it's not."

Shirley Bennett — "Yes it is."

Pierce Hawthorne — "No it's not."

Dean Pelton — "This better not awaken anything in me…"

Jeff Winger — "I feel like I've been in a paintball fight for my soul."

Britta Perry — "I don't do emotions well."

Troy Barnes — "I do emotions TOO well."

Annie Edison — "I am trying really hard here."

Annie Edison — "I don't want to be the person who gives up."

Jeff Winger — "I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong."

Dean Pelton — "I'm a cat. I'm a sexy cat."

Abed Nadir — "Cool. Cool cool cool."

Shirley Bennett — "That's nice."

Troy Barnes — "That's wrinkling my brain."

Britta Perry — "I can't think of anything to say."

Jeff Winger — "You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth."

Dean Pelton — "I have the weirdest boner."

Troy Barnes — "I'm out."

Professor Ian Duncan — "I think I've made a terrible mistake."

Abed Nadir — "When characters feel like the show they're on is ending, their instinct is to spin off into something safer."

Professor Ian Duncan — "True, all life ends in death, which we as a species are cursed with knowing, resulting in... something. Again, this is really not my field."

Jeff Winger — "I know it's sad, but death is a natural part of life and by the time I finish this sentence, a hundred people will have died in China."

Troy Barnes — "(then) Why………... did you stop talking? I have to call my pen pal!"

Jeff Winger — "You're special. And not in a good way."

Pierce Hawthorne — "Coined and minted."

Abed Nadir — "Six seasons and a movie!"

Troy Barnes — "I'm back in."

Ben Chang — "I'll allow it."