LYRICS NOT IN 34 ALBUMS

“Which is why I’m going to make an argument here stating that this just goes to prove that there is a giant worldly conspiracy currently going on against YOU! If the powers that be wanted what was best for you then they would have told you about us by now. The same way my History professors in college never mentioned the names Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky and Chalmers Johnson. Those names are dangerous names. Because the ideas that those names talk about are dangerous ideas. I also have this idea, perhaps the craziest idea of them all, and that is that the most dangerous weapon in the entire world is a beautiful woman who stands barely two inches over five-feet tall, smiles, sings and carries a big guitar.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Okay…the pretty. I’ve eaten an actual apple from the garden. I have had a picnic lunch there…she was there…the guitar was there…There was a secret hedgerow that you had to know the way into and she knew the way. The sun was shining on half of the blanket as a shadow cast over the other half. It was completely quiet save for the bird songs and gentle wind whistlings and tops of trees swaying. I looked over towards her, my eyes breathing in the scene as a whole. Then they rose yet higher…I watched me watching her…her eyes were closed. Perhaps she was watching me watch her from even higher than I now was…things of this nature can become quite complex when dealing with such pure emotional bliss as I was such currently experiencing. This is when it hit me…it truly hit me…I was there. I will never live in a moment more than I lived in that moment ever again. In fact, if I close my eyes right now I can see that moment is still going on… “ – Brian Rainstorm

“Band aids don’t work on tumors and there’s no cast for cancer.” – Brian Rainstorm

“This is super wise wisdom: some of the best in this entire book in my opinion: That’s the Jim Morrison Disease. It’s not the alcohol that killed him… it was the expectations. Everybody wanted to say that they got high with, got drunk with or got f#$%ed by Jim Morrison. That was what everybody wanted. And they wanted HIM to do the sh*t that all of them secretly wanted to do but just didn’t have the balls to do… and…Jim Morrison let them win. Jim Morrison was a poet first. He let them turn him into a rock star. And then he let the rock star take over and beat out the poet and by the time he was ready to finally become the poet again it was too late… he was now dead rock star…It’s a cautionary tale. My tale is told in reverse. I let go of the sure thing win-at-life on the outside to chase what I thought was going to make me truly happy on the inside. I vowed to make the world a better place – with my songs, poems and my writings all leading the way. I guess maybe I shouldn’t whine so much…that last sentence doesn’t really look so bad when I see it in print there…But the idea here is clear: I made a choice. An active-minded choice to live my life on my terms. My goals were now my own. I was never ruled by mob mentality.” – Brian Rainstorm

“When the hurt comes you just want to go numb. You can cover some pains with drugs, booze, food, sex, exercise, excessive entertainment and other stuff like that but when you start getting the feeling that somebody you really love is becoming indifferent towards you and has started to intentionally drift that’s possibly the most helpless feeling of them all. You can’t do shit for that. Intentionally fading out is a life choice. It’s not usually a whimsical thing but an idea that has been the subject of much inner debate until finally an answer has been chosen. Drifting isn’t a girlie girl emotional reaction – it’s more manly and logical. It’s planned. Usually intentional drift happens after one certain event or situation in which the drifter had to make a clear choice between being with you or being with somebody else and the drifter chose you. And yet wanted to be with the somebody else so that’s when they make the knowing choice to become the drifter. It either happens that way or else you will screw up something sometime somewhere and the drifter will say, ‘That’s it! That’s the last straw…I care an awful lot about this person but I can’t take this anymore…I’m not going to end it, end it…not right now…but I’m on my way out.’ So that’s where the emotional detachment begins and even though it might take a long time for the other party to notice the drifting once somebody makes a choice to be the drifter they usually don’t come back. Me of all people can never cry about drifters. I am THE drifter. It’s just that the one person in the entire world who I don’t want to drift is drifting. I have not given her a reason to drift. I can take it, though. If she does indeed drift away from me then it would balance out all of my drifting from others. I’d be square in my head because losing her would be the equivalent of losing all the others combined. That’s me drifting from everyone I’ve ever known and her drifting from me. Seems about even.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Somewhere here I wrote that I felt like I was drifting from her. And that I was getting put on the back burner or maybe being quietly phased out. It seems she’s been kinda distant from most everyone lately. That’s pretty much what I got from her when I brought that subject up. That’s the thing about me is that I don’t push unless I have to and it’s only in really important matters that I ever try to start anything that could lead to anything close to a serious problem between us. Here’s where unconditional love comes in handy. I’ve proven my love to be as unconditional as you’ll ever find in this world and she knows that. So I can say ANYTHING and our friendship will bounce back. I never cry wolf, either. I feel I’ve earned this right but am careful not to abuse it. When relationships are built on trust there will always come that one time where that trust is truly tested. If you pass that test then there shall be no more tests. Since I passed that final test now I get to be a voice in her head. I use as many analogies as possible because I’m a concept-based person. When it comes to solving problems, I feel models are almost always less hurtful and often more effectual teaching examples than actually using people. In an ideal world and society I would much rather hold a high office under the president than lose in my attempt to run for president. There was only one Abe Lincoln. I could have lost to Lincoln for the presidency and still have been in his cabinet but he was the last one whom that could be said for. My point being that even those who began not liking Lincoln in the beginning ended up loving him in the end. He was a unifying force just like she is. And you just don’t want to be on the wrong side of that. Sometimes you have to change the rules of the game depending on the game’s participants. George Washington had the power to change the young Republic into ANY type of political system he wanted. He could have been king. But he stepped down after warning the people of the potential of corruption that lingered over the office by powerful forces. During World War Two, Franklin Deleanor Roosevelt used his bigger-than-the-game-ness to run for a third term as President and he got re-elected. And me, I had to learn how to unconditionally love.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Writing a great book sure is hard work. Sometimes I say, ‘F&%k it!’ and make the reader work, too. Don’t mental sit ups suck? Okay, you just did one…Let’s get back into lazy mode for you - we’ll sum it up real quick for you…this one will be some wisdom-to-go – a quick snack on the run for your head: Art fills holes. Holes that need to be filled by something. These last two sentences wrote themselves. I was planning to write about how art’s greatest use is when it’s being used as a vehicle for enlightenment and I was going to go on and on about how art can change the world for the better in the least messiest way possible…but then I changed my mind. Art fills holes. It fills the holes of the artist and also the holes of the audience (for lack of a better word). When I do sh*t right then my art can fill your holes and you don’t have to fill those holes anymore. Somewhere in these pages I talk about having a hole and if you put good stuff in your hole then you can eventually use it for something good but if you put bad stuff in your hole then it’s just going to be a yucky landfill and eventually grow to be a mountain of sh*t. Fill it properly and you can plant a field or start a garden. Or you could have a big mountain of crap. Crap… it’s your choice.” – Brian Rainstorm

"Let’s put that into perspective for a moment. Have you dated somebody for a long time and yet that person had no real impact on your life? Have you had somebody who you dated for just a short while who ended up having a huge impact on your life? Ahhh….that’s where he’s going with this…not exactly… Imagine you’re me…Umm…Please get your hand out of my pocket and leave my balls alone! Thank you…now, where was I? 'You were on balls!' Comes this roaring voice from high up in the peanut gallery…That’s not funny. There’s always one in every crowd, right? That counts as a penis joke…it’s your loss…Now, imagine you’re me...You get to be the intellectual sparring partner for the greatest mind you’ve ever known. And you make it known that if anyone ever messes with this girl that you will destroy them. Without blinking. Okay… I’ll sign up for that…that floats my boat. If you could say that Muhammad Ali beat you up everyday at the gym then there is certainly no shame in that. No shame. With me getting to be a voice in her head it’s like me telling the Champ to make sure he follows through on his left jab enough so that he can get the other fighter just off-balance and falling back enough while in a subpar defensive position to immediately nail him with a quick right hand. Boom-boom! I’m not as good as Ali. I will never be as good as Ali. So I choose to try to make Ali BETTER! I give helpful hints like, 'Watch out for Frazier’s left hook and try to protect your body' and 'George Forman named all his children George so that when he ate one it would be harder to tell exactly which one he ate! Jesus Christ that dude’s a BEAST!' It’s when Ali looks up at me and says that, 'Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries the tears from his eyes don’t roll down his cheeks but climb around to the back of his head just to avoid his face.' - that I know that I made the right choice. Ali then goes on to tell me he’s pretty. And he is. But even he’s not as pretty as she is. She’s my butterfly. Note: when you engrave the Pulitzer Prize make sure that you get the name right – it’s R-A-I-N-S-T-O-R-M. No, not Rainstein." yyyyyhu (that is an actual paw print of a cat – look at your keyboard – it makes perfect sense) – Brian Rainstorm

“Fifty years is 18,250 days. These are the numbers by which I would argue you should gauge life by and make most of your life choices around. Using this model of scale as your perspective is where I believe that you can most properly fit everything into context. I base it on the assumption that most people do most of their best stuff from the age of 20 to 70. Plus or minus ten years for the prodigies and village tribal elders and sages. But fifty years isn’t something you can wrap your head around so easily and yet that is about how much time one can expect to put into their life’s ambition, work, plan, etc, etc, etc…That’s how many jumps that the cat gets before the cat can jump no more. If you are a cat that cannot jump I would argue that you may cease to be a cat at that point. My point is that we all think we’re going to live forever. We all live in the moment. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. Not anymore, but I used to. If you smoked 20 cigarettes a day for fifty years then that’s 365,000 cigarettes!!! 6 beers a night is 110,000 beers. Save just a dollar a day and in fifty years you’ll have $18,250.00 – this is where big bucks add up FAST! It’s also how you get cancer and heart attacks… daily routines add up to 18,250 times over fifty years (or what I would call ‘peak lifetime’ – off the top of my head, I’m not a doctor and haven’t played for many years!). So as soon as you begin to think about a daily routine I would immediately suggest not to get into one. Or to at least vary it as much as possible. An apple a day keeps the doctor away they say? Not if it is sprayed with agent orange (fruit pun alert!) or some sh*t to kill the bugs and that stuff causes cancer and you have had it 18,250 times in a row for breakfast. Screw that! Instead, Monday is apple day. Tuesday is banana day. Wednesday is Tomato day (it’s a fruit – look it up!)…etc… Vary it up! Do you see? This way you ONLY get 2,607 agent orange apples over your fifty years. Haha! It’s a good way to look at life if you’re a crazy runner or jogger or anything that you might tend to take to an excessive level. Be careful because you’re going to need that body. The 50 years to 18,250 days ratio…it doesn’t solve all of the world’s problems, it isn’t the holy grail of math or anything – it’s just a valuable tool in the tool belt that can help add a wider range of understanding and deeper perspective to your life and what it is you are doing with it as well as to help keep you focused to what it is you wish to achieve with your time here on Earth. One last super example: Dedicating just one hour a day every day of your life over fifty years adds up to 760 days or two entire years of your life when looked at in this perspective… How much time do you spend travelling to work or stuck in traffic I wonder? Is it ‘just’ an hour a day or is it two years per life? Ahh….I just saw the twinkle... And… I just came up with this theory within the last hour so I don’t know if it works or not. I’ll tell you sometime in 2064…when I’m 86 years old!!! Long dead plant food by then... Haha, I know, I know…” – Brian Rainstorm

You’ll find me in Vegas after I’m gone

“Sometimes you have to capture the moment and seize the day! Carpe Diem. Yes, I am the only living member of the dead poet’s society. Think about that…” – Brian Rainstorm

“It proves my Beatles theory with The Traveling Wilburys acting as my exception to the rule as George Harrison somehow finds himself being caught in some kind of space/time conundrum situation. Dear sir…and or madam, most of you have absolutely no idea what that sentence means while to others it is as clear as day. Okay. Step by step. Here we go…it’s time to build a house. Nah…I used that one already…umm…maybe vegetables and harvest…no…I had that in a song…Let’s just start plain. Okay…when you put excellence together then you don’t get 1 plus 1 you get 1 times 1. It doesn’t make sense mathematically with numbers – THAT’S why it’s f%&king wisdom. Duh… But if you take 4 great musicians and put them together you don’t get the musical equivalent of 4. You end up getting 4 times 4 times 4 times 4. Or 256. That’s the number for the four members of the Beatles put together. That’s Crazy Good! And if you split them up then they are each worth 64. (or with the Beatles, I’d give John a 90, Paul an 80, George a 50 and Ringo gets 34 – F%&k Ringo! Haha…). The Beatles theory is just a way of saying that greatness plus greatness gives you more than just 2 single greatnesses. It’s four times more powerful than if you worked individually. YES! You’re getting it. I told you that the math is all wonky but the principal is solid. Even though we got beat by Ringo. Like I said…F%&k Ringo. There’s a reason why they called Pete Best. Haha! I love you Ringo. I remember when you got raped by that little girl and got your medallion stolen and shirt ripped but then you got it back. I was so happy you got it back. St. Christopher is a kick as$$ Saint, don’tcha know…You know! Oh yeah, The Traveling Wilbury Exception to the rule. Well, they had five of the best musicians ever assembled and their songs kinda sucked compared to what they should have been. George Harrison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Ray Orbison and Jeff Lynne. The last guy is from Electric Light Orchestra – for the record. Haha. Umm…sore thumb anyone? They should technically be like 3,125. but even if you knock off a hundred or two because Jeff Lynne isn’t that great they should still be f%&king super awesome. Two albums later…one of them died. That’s how bad they were! He literally died. They wrote a song about a box for christsakes! A box. And not a sexy box…a ‘handle with care’ box. Sh*t. They almost killed my Beatles theory singlehandedly.” – Brian Rainstorm

“The tremble before the storm. I can tell there’s a problem. Lyrics. They’re coming after me. Finding me. That’s usually a warning sign. Drastic action needed or plastic wrap and duct tape.‘Not a dry seat in the house!’ – Keith Richards. Now THAT’S Classic. He was talking about all of the young girls throwing their panties up on stage at Rolling Stones concerts. A small shovel, plastic wrap and duct tape… can sometimes be the best way to fix a mistake. My mind is at war. Wisdom, lyrics, her, the present, the future and something else. I just don’t know what that something else is…But it’s the scariest thing in the room and it’s so close it’s practically touching me. It’s an unpleasant feeling to say the least. Hovering and then some. Perhaps we all feel it and it’s just the big joke that we don’t talk about. That’s the feeling I am getting and that’s what I am noticing: More and more people are breaking down because they hide it. THE TREMBLE. THE SHAKE. The hair on the back of the neck standing up. The suddenly springing up and sprinting cat across your path. THE SPOOK. THE SHIVER. THE GASP. It’s happened before – at least in America. Collective fear and mass helplessness. 1963 (JFK, RFK, MLK). 1986 (THE CHALLENGER). 2001 (9/11). I just had to ‘paws’ for a second and open my door and let my female cat inside my room. She was crying outside. She NEVER does that. It was right on cue. I gave her and the Boy some catnip and she’s a little better. Drugs help. Cats are usually aware more than us. Their cat frequencies are tuned to a higher channel on just a little bit more titled plane – that’s all. There’s no shame in it. What if nature and creatures kept the Earth balanced and now since there’s not anywhere that isn’t polluted and all the life is dying and sh*t then that’s why everything is going worse than wonky? Nature is out of balance. It’s trying to fix itself like a dog shaking itself after jumping in a lake. Or better yet, shake off fleas…human fleas…we are a disease. We say we come in peace. We may or may not let you be free. We are a disease. We spread. And if we like, we take what we see. Until there is nothing left to see. And when we don’t like what we see… so we spread some more. Mass media has developed the capabilities of tuning all of its worldly frequencies to the collective fear, ignorance, stupidity, violent sexuality and negative emotion channels and amplifying everything way back up so that everybody is tuned to the same vibe to such a degree we have not seen since decibel levels not heard at this range and tone since WW II. Now they’re scheming to go higher. How does one do that? One can only imagine and whenever I do and sometime even when I don’t that’s when I get THE TREMBLE.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I shock people all the time. Like when I tell people that throughout my entire life people have always told me that I should be either a teacher or a bartender. Finally, after much debate I decided to compromise - so now I buy booze for underage high school and college kids…HEY OHH!!!….Thank you, thank you…I’ll be here all week.” – Brian Rainstorm

"I got a card from my mother and it said: 'Son, you are one in a million.' and then it wished me a Happy Easter. I just did the math. That means I have 7,228 brothers and sisters out there according to my mother based on the world's current population. Some religious people WILL BUY ANYTHING. My mother is one of them" - Brian Rainstorm

“What the hell did I learn from this song? That sometimes it’s hard to leave where you come from. Sure, it all depends on what ties you have to where you now are…you put that on one side of the scale and you put what you could potentially have someplace else on the other and then try to imagine which side of the scale goes down the furthest. You can’t always be objective, though…every once and awhile you’ll find one thing that weighs much more than anything else. “She’s my Uranium…” – that’s gonna be my next poem. For all of you dumb-asses out there you can just sing “She’s my Lead!” Haha… I guess there is a direct mathematical ratio between the number of syllables one uses in relation to the number of chromosomes one has. I love seeing math and science being helpful in real life, don’t you?” – Brian Rainstorm

“My best friend and I are both snow globers. When we are left alone in our tranquil little globes undisturbed that’s when we most often are at our best and are most enjoyed and generally most useful. In fact, we are both descendants of snow globers as well. I just realized that. I believe that’s our nature but it’s a very sad nature.” – Brian Rainstorm

"I have come to realize that complacency is one’s own worst enemy. I once had a giant goal in my life and I achieved that giant goal and then I quickly began losing my focus as I basked in that goal’s reflective glory. I soon began to lose my edge. I was happy just being there since I had just wanted to make it to the Major Leagues…I didn’t think much about how to stay there. So I ended up having a cup of coffee in the Bigs with one sweet summer in the sun but now I’m back in the minors…and I’m 35 years old. I know that I still got one good shot left in me to get back to where I think I belong but I know that baseball is a game of constant adjustments…the next time (God willing if there is a next time) I get called up to the Bigs I know that this time I’ll be ready to go as far as my love of the game and my talents will take me. Why am I much more self-assured today than I was before? I’ve uncovered a little bit of wisdom in that there are three ways to handle success: The first is to understand it for what it is, appreciate it and then continue living your life along the same path that led you to it. The second is to think of it as tangible proof of your own individual greatness and then proceeding to act as if the world owes you something because you think that your achievement proves to everybody how great you are. Thirdly, you can make it all the way to the top of the mountain, scream out something like, ‘I’m here! I did it! I actually did it!’ You can then stake your flag in the ground with one breathe and then collapse and die with your next…er, last. That last way to handle success…well, I tried that already. That’s not a good one to choose…I’d definitely go with one of the first two over that last one…at least from my experiences anyway. Hey, I’m just here to help.” – Brian Rainstorm

“What do the following four things have in common? Stones, paper, plastic and clouds. If you ask me I’d say it’s what we use to keep track of our information (in technologically increasing order, I might add). Stones, paper, plastic and clouds. Stone tablets, frescos, mosaics, hieroglyphics, tombs, shrines, pyramids – that’s stone. Paper is a no-brainer. Plastic is microchips, CDs, DVDs, records, film and that sort of thing. The cloud is what? All that sorta stuff only in a satellite in space or in some giant underground database? It’s gotta be something like that…Here’s my next question: What is next? What comes after clouds? That’s when the powers that have control turn off all the clouds and we go back to stone. We have no more clouds. Maybe they have clouds, but we don’t have clouds. We have sun. And stone. Lots of sun and lots of stone…that reminds me of when people built the pyramids…er, slaves built the pyramids…But…at least we’re back on our way to getting paper again…woo hoo… I’m a big paper guy. I kill trees! I feed the birds but I do kill trees…sadly. But what would happen to you if technology rewinded or suddenly became extinct? What if Google went bye-bye? Those jungle people living in the dirt with three teeth between two villages would rule the f%&king world. Bill Gates would be worthless. If you’re in a broken down car in the Mojave Desert then the only person you’d rather meet more than a mechanic might be Jesus or Allah or Buddha.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Okay. How do we save the earth? This is going to sound strange. The best place to start if you want to save the world or at least save the earth is to OUTLAW everything that has to do with stocks that there is in our financial system and sh*t can it. Good-bye! Until you can do that then you start with changing the laws that say a CEO of a company’s main objective is to produce profit for the stock holders. See the case of Dodge verses Ford in the very early 1900s. That’s where that law came to be…That f*%ks everyone’s grandchidren’s grandchildren. And that’s us! I’m not sure if that math is right…maybe it’s grandchildren’s grandchildren’s children. Or maybe there are some parents mixed in there, too…the point is this: Let’s say you have a landscaping company and you have a truck that is very old and pollutes like crazy and two old mowers that have smoke coming out of them all the time and dripping oil and all this shit is horrible but it still is functionable. If you own your own company then you switch over and upgrade your truck and mowers because it’s in your own benefit to do so. You don’t wanna breathe all that crap in either, you know? It’s time to do it now and the world would be less polluted and you would be healthier. But….you don’t own your company – you are just the CEO. That means you have stockholders. They care about bottom line profits EVERY QUARTER. If you don’t produce then you’re fired. And by law, they are entitled to sh&t can you. This law is fu$%ed up. So what happens? You ask for new equipment at the board meeting and they ask you, “Does it still work?” and you say, “Yes, but…” and then they say…you know what they say. Use it until it breaks. Use it until it breaks. Use it until it breaks. Did that sink in? The world, our earth, the truck, the mowers, the worker…YOU! Use it until it breaks…then replace it…. The best way to save the world is to STOP depending on structures and systems that are either self-destructive or non-sustainable. If we run out of water we are in trouble. When we run out of oil wars will start…the list is a mile long. EVERYBODY pick ONE thing – the worst thing – and change that first. That’s what the Allied Army did in World War II. They decided to focus on Hitler first. Knock out the big boy. Go up to the biggest, toughest guy that your opponent has and kick him square in the nuts…watch him fall…then watch them scatter…It’s like a free kick in soccer when all the defensive players line up all holding their hands in front of them protecting their d*cks and balls from getting hit by a soccer ball travelling nine hundred miles an hour with a slightly upward and towards the left swirling trajectory to it. – the type that rips out ball hairs if your not careful with your banana and berries. Or banana and cherries…I’m not sure which I like better. Cherries make me think of women so we’ll go with the berries. Berries.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I’ll give you one more example that’s personal. I have IT. The IT that captures people’s attention. The gift. The specialness. Yada yada. And yet I usually don’t let it shine out. I hide it, in fact. Or hide from it may be better worded. Why? Because IT has ramifications. IT has side-effects. IT has expectations. IT necessitates action just to be IT by definition. That’s sometimes more than I am willing to give.” – Brian Rainstorm

“The difference between being sh*t, a sh*t and the sh*t is much more than just a single preposition (or lack thereof).” - Brian Rainstorm

"It was just after I finished ghostwriting my second auto-biography that I realized I wanted to be somebody else other than myself." - Brian Rainstorm (of course, this is an alias)

“One of the biggest problems this world currently faces is that too many people are buying their way out of what Charles Darwin calls Natural Selection.” - Brian Rainstorm

“It seems rather nonsensical to spend one’s entire life yelling at people about what happens to them when they die when you could be yelling about what’s happening to them while they’re still alive. That’s why I think I’m more into politics than religion.” – Brian Rainstorm

“She is the only one who knows how to properly tune my ego. When properly tuned my ego is one of the fiercest weapons in the entire world. Hehe.” – Brian Rainstorm

"Sometimes I think that just staying friends with her is like joining the clergy." - Brian Rainstorm

“Where I live is called the land of the Jones… and everybody is always trying to keep up with one another... They’ve lost all track of keeping up with themselves… Everybody seems so brainwashed that everything that was ever worth anything has just become a shell of itself. A hollowed out structure for the suckers to pray to or worse a Trojan Horse for members of the opposing army to sneak into. There’s nothing left to believe in. Everything has been corrupted. I’ve been telling people that I think that society as a whole is so far gone at this point that it’s going to take more than just an idea to inspire the people to change the things that need to be changed for the greater good – it’s going to take a person with an idea. I’ve met a person with lots of ideas. Beautiful ideas.” – Brian Rainstorm

“You must ask yourself this fundamental question, answer it honestly and then live with all the ramifications that are attached to your answer: Would you rather be the World’s Best checker player or the World’s Worst chess player? I will say no more other than there are two games going on right now although most people would probably disagree with this statement. To them I respond, ‘King me…please.’” - Brian Rainstorm

“School is like jail: in what could be a jubilant and triumphant story of success and coming of age, wisdom and maturity in which everyone overcomes adversity while working as a team towards achieving a common goal…I could go on…but you know where I’m going…school and jails both claim to have glorious ideals and yet both are completely epic failures on the whole at least as far as the United States is concerned. Schools end up dividing its students by types maybe even more than jails do by race… Schools get kids to think just about as well as jails rehabilitate their criminals. Dog sh*t and more dog sh*t.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Always try to give people the chance to surprise you (or even to PROVE YOU WRONG, gasp!) whenever you can. The secret here is to protect yourself while not allowing yourself to be an enabler of repeated negative behaviour. No doubt, there is a limit to how far one can go when it comes to some things. Do I suggest staying unhappily married for forty years because tomorrow just might be the day that you find that love again? NO! Sometimes you have to give in to the reality of the situation and make tough choices – the key is to not let yourself be hurt so much that you stop believing that people are capable of change just because you or someone you care about is not. Simply put, losing your faith in an individual’s ability to adapt and change should not lead directly to the conclusion that the collective is incapable of change. That is a false assumption. Just as many people (if not more) live DOWN to others’ expectations as live UP to them. Don’t ever forget that.” – Brian Rainstorm

“People always ask me, ‘What’s the biggest difference between being a songwriter and being a poet.’ I always give the same answer: Poets live twice as long but their lives are only half as much fun.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Even though my walls are flimsy, being only made of paper and held together with pens, they are STILL walls.” – Brian Rainstorm

"When one declares a war against terrorism, one may as well declare a war against weather while they're at it." - Brian Rainstorm

“I am convinced that I am one of the world’s greatest half-of-a-persons. It is only when people try to make me  become a whole person that they realize how perfectly this first sentence describes me.” – Brian Rainstorm

"I only meet people in public places... may we both never know why I have that rule" - Brian Rainstorm

“Like I wrote somewhere around here before – I’m crazy, but not gun tower crazy…” – Brian Rainstorm

“I never owned or played with Barbie Dolls – but if I did own a Barbie Doll then the first thing I’d do to it after taking it out of the box would be to give it some kind of distinguishing mark so that I knew that it was mine. A perfect imperfection.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Alcohol abuse is one of the crappiest abuses there is. People who pour out perfectly good beer or wine should be hanged! Oh…you mean when people drink too much? Yes. That is different. Much, much different.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Sometimes it doesn’t take 100 monkeys…it just takes me and one typewriter.” - Brian Rainstorm

“Only one person in the entire world can say that nobody has it worse than I do…and chances are you’re not him (or her).” – Brian Rainstorm (I may have stolen this from somewhere but I say this one all the time)

“We’re f&*%ing pathetically miserable – you can tell it’s the trail end of winter. My song (and my kitties’ song) is now ‘I’ll be the last thing frozen…eating the last thing that comes in a can’.” – Brian Rainstorm

“When I look at the Bible I see ten commandments followed by over a thousand pages of fine print.” – Brian Rainstorm (I’m not sure if this is mine or if I stole it from someone somewhere)

“Bonus wisdom brought back from a bathroom break: We all live in condominiums. That’s the way our world and society is set up. We get to paint the inside of our condo whatever color we like. And we get to move the furniture around – that is if we have any. To us that’s freedom… That’s when I flushed.” – Brian Rainstorm

“The smarter the phone the dumber the human.” – Brian Rainstorm

“The first step in one’s search for truth begins with the end of one’s own lying.” – Brian Rainstorm

“The very best place we can ‘hide’ the ‘truth’ is right out in the open within our art.” – Brian Rainstorm

“People ask me if I’m a democrat or a republican or even an independent for that matter. My answer is that I’m actually a cosmonaut. The way I see it is that if Republicans, Democrats and Independents are all thinking over here in this box then my thinking would have to be considered to be from the completely other side of the world and way up high in the sky with my ideals, values and political objectives. That would, technically, make me part of the Russsian space program. Strap me in! I will be your sacrificial space monkey. Sacrificial Space Monkeys –I’d pay to go see that band just because of their name alone. So if you do start or have a band named Sacrificial Space Monkeys then please, by all means, let me know.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Don’t get stuck on one thing. I get stuck on one thing. For instance, I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve cleaned an entire kitchen just to make coffee in the morning. Sometimes one dirty spoon sets me off! It’s just rational order type stuff where as if I’m going to do just one thing out of the natural order of it all then I’ll usually wait and do things in the proper order and let what I was going to do that instant become the fifth or sixth step of a newly constructed sequence that is more logically based. Or I could just say I pretty much lack spontaneity. That, unrequited love and fear of rejection have fu%&ed me my entire life. That’s truly a gruesome threesome if I ever saw one.” – Brian Rainstorm

You can be mine but I don’t wanna be yours

"He would have had a much easier life had his left hand and right hand ever became aware of each other's existence." - Brian Rainstorm

“’To be or not to be?’ That is the question. I chose to be. That’s my answer. I think humanity as a whole asks way too many questions. Every other creature stopped after this one and so I will, too.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I’m not sure if all dogs go to heaven or not but I am damn sure that every cat goes to hell because of their hubris…haha…those cute and furry little bastards!” – Brian Rainstorm

“The key to changing the world for the betterment of the common man is to create situations in which power fights power. Instead of them manipulating us it’s time for us to manipulate them. For instance…I want everybody in the United States of America to have free health care and be able to see a doctor when they’re sick. Seventy percent of all Americans want this. We don’t have it. Why? Pharmaceutical companies mostly – they make tons of money off of the system the way it is and make sure it stays that way. Insurance companies, too. Tons of our economy is based on sickness and fear…Okay. So we need to find another powerful group to fight them. This is where you could go to manufacturing jobs…haha….oops! They are all gone. Why? We are too late…we kept giving the manufacturing industry too many reasons to leave without any benefits to stay. When the world got flat and we got globalized then that made every worker in the world a fellow competitor. Suddenly the world has a billion jobs and seven billion people or whatever…you do the math…Think about an auction in reverse and that’s what happens to the price that labor can charge. Generally speaking, for the last thirty or forty years the bigger companies keep moving to where the labor costs the least. Company A has 20,000 jobs and it goes to all the countries and says: Ten dollars an hour? Do I hear nine dollars and fifty cents? Yes? Nine dollars? Eight dollars…seven…six…five…four cents…sold to the Chinese woman in the straw hat! Four cents an hour – here is your sewing machine and piss bucket! Now get to f&%king work!!! Alright. Nike is all set…next company…So manufacturing is not gonna be strong enough to fight for free health care…okay…this is where Labor Unions would come in handy. Dang! They’re all fu%&king gone, too. Why is it that all of the institutions that could once fight power are no longer here? Hmm… that’s quite unfortunate.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Do you really think McDonalds wants all the kids to exercise and do sports or would McDonalds rather them get fat and watch sports on T.V. and seek happiness in a Big Mac? Which programs get cut first in school? Art and gym. I’m not anti-sport I’m just really pro-art. And think about this, you look for links when you start unraveling strings of this giant clusterf%&k of a world …and when you pull the string of sports then you often get military and big business. Since the draft became unpopular since the United States only fought in shitty wars after World War II the army had a real shortage of soldiers. Hovering below the sports culture is a fertile ground for finding potential soldiers due to the similar mindsets of both soldiers and sports fans. Who owns and funds all the stadiums? Business guys…the same ones that tell the army what to do…haha… The end game is this: You can use sports as the best way to find your place in line or you could use art as the best way to find your place in the circle. The choice is up to you. A Nobel and a Pulitzer you say?” – Brian Rainstorm

“Let’s have a basic lesson on Business for a second. What happens when all of the companies can get up and change locations from one country to another very easily (that’s called capital flight) while each country’s labor force (the people/workers) has to stay where it is? Who has the upper hand? The companies or the people? The companies win because they can go wherever the cost of labor is the cheapest. A big part of the problem with all of this world trade is that it makes every single worker compete against each other. It sounds fair but it isn’t. For instance: it costs Ford a thousand dollars more to make a car in the United States than it does in Canada because of all the extra money it has to pay in health care bills because Ford doesn’t have to pay healthcare expenses for workers in Canada. And I didn’t even have to go to F%&king Haiti for that sh*t…I brought Haiti right home to us…Hey Detroit…Can you feel me? So the car companies move to Canada. Or China or Japan or wherever they can make the largest overall profit for its stockholders. By law, the CEO of the company has to create as much profit as possible for the stockholders…that’s his job. That’s all that matters. That’s the biggest problem. Big companies have better rights than humans and they almost always use these rights to exploit humans. Profit is EVERYTHING. THE ONLY THING. It would be the exact same thing as pimping out the Statue of Liberty and pulling that big green b*tch up from the ground and taking her to whatever country would pony up the most dough…” – Brian Rainstorm

“This is what I am thinking about: On my most depressing days I just wish I could be a cat. A happy, warm, sleeping cat…but what does a cat wish it could be when it has one of those depressing days? I’m not dropping wisdom here…There’s no punch line…it’s not a rhetorical question but one seeking to find an actual answer. Has anyone done research into this? Because whatever ‘that’ is – we could make some money off of that…I’m talking some serious green.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Life is li-ke a box of condoms… you never know which one is gonna bre-ak.” – Brian ‘Forrest’ Rainstorm

“I don’t think therefore I am not. It goes to show what perspective can do…No, the double negatives don’t cross out here and add up to a positive – it just means that two things suck instead of only one thing sucking. Sometimes you have to change your perspective 180 degrees. Some people mess up and say 360 degrees but that would just put you back where you started. And 90 degrees would only get you half-way to where you wanted to go. Gee, this has been a fun exercise…You just gained a lot of knowledge but there was no real wisdom there. That’s the game that you are part of…you’re overloaded by names, dates, facts, numbers, graphs, stats (oh, that’s so poetic I just got a semi!) so much so that you forget all about the bigger picture. One of the secrets to life is to try to be as much as what you are supposed to be as possible. What does that mean? Don’t be an elephant in a circus. It’s cruelty to you whether you know it or not. Sometimes in order to be who or what you are supposed to be you have to make some tough choices and sometimes you have to sever some ties. Sometimes you gotta cut people out. There are times when keeping involved in any type of relationship at all with some people sometimes is a bad thing. This goes against just about every principle that I have in my life but there are exceptions to every rule and this is one for me. Sometimes some people (or some things – like maybe a job) can restrain somebody from being what they are supposed to be.” – Brian Rainstorm

“That’s a good question… Haha! I won’t tell you the correct answer…I’ll only give you two possible answers but I won’t say which one is the truer one: (a) The woman rarely says a swear, one that I’ve ever heard anyways, and it is very much out of character for her to use profane language. Or (b) I’ve heard words come from her mouth that would make a sailor blush and that was only in the language that I understood. Her other tongue could have been growling things that were even worse! Haha… I guess the moral of the song, this commentary and one might even say of the entire world is that just because it sounds like f*%^ing doesn’t mean that people are having sex with each other and sometimes when you’re actually getting f*$%ed you end up being the very last one to find out about about it.” – Brian Rainstorm

“A fresh new morning of writing. It’s all about context. Context gives everything meaning. The first day of spring was a week or two ago. That don’t mean shit to me. It’s was below freezing out and there was ten thousand feet of snow everywhere and two feet of ice below that! Today…maybe…just may be the first day that gives me hope that winter is indeed over. The dragon is finally dead. I ONLY say that this morning because it’s going to be 54 degrees outside and when I looked out my window I saw BUCKY! Bucky isn’t a beaver – it’s a woodchuck or some creature like that…all I know is that those sunuvabitches hibernate in the winter and come out in the spring and he just woke his fat fury ass up and is now laying under my shed sticking half-way out and just catching some rays. Nice to see you again, dude! The robins who came back a week early got hit with a mild snow storm but he timed his alarm clock perfectly it looks like so far. He’s going back and forth to the bird feeder to eat some of the birdseed. Now he’s raised up like a human getting a better view of his surroundings and sniffing for smellies. That’s the really cool thing about living somewhere where there are a few trees and enough little woodsie backyards put together to sustain more life than just a pet dog and a squirrel. All life totally kicks a$$. Trust me, you can get really bored of humans sometimes.” – Brian Rainstorm

Band aids don’t work on tumors and there’s no cast for cancer.

I’ve got a brand new method to my madness

I Yang when everybody’s Yinging

“I can write which means I can think. That’s about all that I’m really good at. Happily, being able to think can be highly profitable considering there are so many suckers out there today that can’t or won’t or don’t wanna. The only problem is that I don’t want to prey on anyone. Exploitation is not my intention. Think about how hard it would be to make money in today’s world if you don’t wanna screw anyone over. What if your life’s mission was to get the sucker to hold onto his dollar…haha! What if you want to behave in an ethnical manner…if you want to behave morally…if you want to treat workers and customers as human beings rather than just numbers. Sh*t… think about the competition and what they’re doing…they’re turning everyone into a robot and telling the customers to do everything themselves. That’s why I want to try to break some new ground to where there is no competition. Reverse this curse of technology and start using it more towards the benefit of all humanity, respectfully, and NOT just for the greedy bourgeoisie and aristocracy” – Brian Rainstorm

"I think about writing and write about thinking." - Brian Rainstorm (This IS mine but somebody published it first. I found it on the Internet after I wrote it - highly disappointing, indeed)

“I am all about intellectualization through amusicification. What in the Christ is that? That translates into getting smart by use of a muse, music, science, fiction and a tion. Umm… ‘Hey Ralph, what the hell is a ‘tion?’ To which Ralph quickly responds, ‘You know…when you go out and get smashed and really tie one on…haha.’ I guess Ralph is right. Amusicification means getting smart by use of a muse, music, science, fiction and getting’ f&%*ed up!!! So tie one on…baby! No wonder all us great lyrical geniuses always develop ethnicities, er… eccentricities… It’s a coincidence that those words rhyme just like it’s a coincidence that Black History month is held on the month with the fewest number of days in it…” – Brian Rainstorm

“My new invention for rednecks – the camera rifle. Looks and feels just like a gun. Only it takes pictures. Or movies and also acts as a cell phone and video camera and audio recorder and alarm clock radio with a built in compass and speakers with an audio-in/audio-out jack and plug-into-the-wall battery charger. And maybe a red dot laser pointer on the sight scope (optional). And a mute button for shooting in silencer mode rather than the default setting of “Bang!” And I’d even make it compatible with laser tag stuff. And then you take all of this and put it onto an interactive website where you can share shots and stats and create your own shooter profile…yada, yada, yada… message boards…all integrated with all of the social media… Print your money, now… Deep Sea Camera fishing would be cool, too.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Musical and lyrical continental drifting: This occurs when there is a mood discrepancy between two elements of a song. It’s like rapping about Jesus or an intelligent country and western song. Or a song by Bob Dylan in which you can understand more than a quarter of the words, it’s an original song by The Byrds, it’s a Jimmy Buffet song making you think or a John Denver song getting you angry enough to do something about something…anything. Put another way, it’s when sh*t doesn’t fit right. It’s meant to not be together and to put it together is to make each thing lesser good than it would be if it was simply alone by itself. Girls, think Derek Jeter and ANYBODY! Giggle giggle. Yahoo news got me on the Derek Jeter herpes tree… I’m a Red Sox fan and even I love Derek Jeter. Just not enough to be on the tree. Haha.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I wasn’t really wrong about anything in my first book. It’s only been seven years and I’ve gotten better since then. I think the one KEY DIFFERENCE would be that I’d suggest being more worried about yourself than I suggested people to be in my first book. Put yourself in a place where you can do the most good. Sometimes that involves doing things that you don’t wanna do and playing stupid games that you don’t want to play and jumping through hoops that they’ll probably light on fire right before you get to them just to f%&k with you! See it for what it is…know why you’re doing what you’re doing and get it over with as quickly as possible so you can move on to something IMPORTANT. I have to admit that Ben Franklin did a bunch of the best sh*t he ever did AFTER he made enough money in the printing business to hand it over to a manager or co-owner (I forget which) and just reap the profits from it. Ben then spent the next fifty years doing the type of shit that puts your face on money. Big bills, dude!!! Poor Richard’s Almanac – that was Ben. From creating fire departments to libraries to heating stoves to lightening rods to bifocals to odometers to flexible urinary catheters to those long handled grasping tools that you use to pick things up off the ground or to reach stuff from high shelves…yeah…that type of stuff. Ben Franklin was so well-loved that he was Muhammad Ali before Muhammad Ali was Muhammad Ali. Being the President of the United States of America would have been a giant step DOWN from being Ben Franklin. Seriously. Chicks would mail the old guy their petticoats!!! Haha…” – Brian Rainstorm

“What if fully-awakened reality was on one side of the spectrum and fully-engaged active dreaming during sleep was at the opposite side of the spectrum? Would that mean that doing acid, mushrooms, LSD or getting really drunk or totally baked off some killer bud would actually be considered meeting in the middle and living one’s life in moderation? Going around all the time in a semi-dream, semi-reality state…. Haha… Thoughts like these confuse me. It’s all in the perception and framing of the story or subject – that’s where the power lies…whose version of the truth did you get? Whenever opposing kids get into a fight or trouble there is always a race for each of them to tell their side of the story FIRST. It’s kinda like gaining the high ground in a battlefield. It’s the framers that are the ones with the power – don’t let anybody kid you on that, ever… It was David Crosby who said that when it comes to the falling of the Berlin Wall in the end, what actually had the most to do with the wall falling were the ideas that got passed OVER the wall opposed to anyone or anything going under it or trying to go through it. In WWII, even Hitler’s army didn’t stand up to France’s heavily defended Maginot Line…he simply went AROUND it. My cats don’t REALLY hunt squirrels, skunks and woodchucks – they just pretend to; but they do hunt birdies, mice and chipmunks. The secret is that in their little kitty brains they know that if they corner and catch a bird, chipmunk or mouse then they can go ahead and engage and go for the kill without much fear of being hurt. However, when they are practice hunting the squirrels, they might get into that same situation where they know they can engage but they pull back and DON’T. They let up. They don’t corner an animal that can turn and cause them harm. Sure, I’ll yet at that big dude in the truck and flip him off but if he gets out and wants to start sh*t then I’m gone, dude! Tires peeling. Haha. No sense. Not worth it. If some little dude gets out and flips me off then maybe I’ll stop and say, ‘What’s up?’ But even then, this world is crazy and I’ve seen crazy Joe Pesci-types open up a can of whoop ass on way too many dudes bigger and stronger than me to usually get involved in that type of affair. Sure, it all looks the same on the outside of the window… but meanwhile that little voice in the head knows that it is just ONE BIG GIANT SHOW. Same frame to be sure (cat hunting) – just a completely different picture in reality (pouncing on sparrow while letting the woodchuck ‘narrowly escape’). Haha…” – Brian Rainstorm

"Me, I and You are men words. We and Us are women words. Why is the word of a child." - Brian Rainstorm

“If somebody gives you a copy of my book that means that they either really, really love you or really, really think you’re an a$$hole. Or both. Most often it’s both.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Things can and do go anywhere when I get a blank screen in front of me, I’m high and I’m waiting for pizza.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Men fear me and women want to be with me because I am the masculine effeminist.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I enjoy history and sometimes it sparks my creativity. I believe in teaching history in an entirely new way that I was taught. Screw History!!! We need Current Events 101 and we need Applied History 102 – those are the two most important classes that every kid needs to take and it’s a shame that they don’t even f&%king exist yet. They need to be taught back-to-back by the same teacher and taken with different teachers every year. I repeat: add these two classes to the curriculum and rip out history class. That way you could teach about what is happening today and use examples from the past to try to better understand why things are the way they are now and how can we use the lessons we’ve learned to make today and tomorrow better. That is surely much better than remembering a list of names, dates and facts. Screw that. We want ideas and principles and stories that teach lessons. Of all of the classes in school that don’t have to suck this one should be at the top of the list. And yet it is not. Students hate history. At least in America they do. That needs to change NOW! Art is just one way to make history come alive.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Most of us all follow the same general pattern when meeting somebody we like – we put on our best faces and act all super-duper polite and nice and try to hide our flaws as best we can. We visualize what image we would like to project as us to this person we like and we either try to live up to being somebody other than who we actually are or else we stack our bullshit up so high and pray it doesn’t all fall down before we get this person to care about us enough to not leave once they find out about how screwed up we REALLY are…haha… Welcome to DATING101… I’m Professor Brian here to tell you that, yes, sometimes that actually works!!! But when it doesn’t work it can get real messy real fast… and then you have to have that chat where you spill the beans and let the skeletons out of the closet and own up to actually being human and not a plastic Barbie or Ken doll…Oh, the humanity!” – Brian Rainstorm

“If you keep saying ‘I don’t know’ really means ‘I don’t care!’ Take a hint. This goes for whether you keep saying that you don’t know or else you keep hearing it as a response from someone else – The same principle applies. If you typically respond with the answer of ‘I don’t know’ then you’re probably ignorant by choice in which case the more proper response should be ‘I don’t care’ because if you didn’t know at first and yet you were truly interested then you would educate yourself to the point of where you did know. My advice is say what you feel – use the right word be it ‘know’ or ‘care’ – and use the words correctly within their proper context or else you run the risk of doing not only yourself but others as well a great disservice. If you are unsure of if you are knowing or not then ‘I don’t know’ is fine. However, if you know you don’t care and yet state you don’t know then you may be courteous albeit very disingenuous. In my country we call that being fake. In other countries it’s often described as being of a ‘spurious’ nature.” – Brian Rainstorm

“My tongue spits rhythmic venom like Derek Jeter spits herpes. Of course, I only write that because I am jealous of Derek Jeter. I am highly respectful of his baseball integrity and think of him as a good representative of how the game of baseball should be played. And while his d*ck may be pinstriped in many colours his balls are never Dodger blue. What can I say other than I am a sucker for a forty year-old, never married, man-whore ultra-celebrity who doesn’t have a two-page list of single baby mamas whom he knocked up and fourteen children all named Dominique… Instead, Derek Jeter has a herpes tree. Good for you, Derek! Way to be original. My grandparents came from Norway. Your herpes came from that bisexual you met at the bar last night and they got it from a guy who dated a girl who dated a guy who dated a girl who cheated on another girl with a guy who dated that actress/model who dated Derek Jeter. It’s a small f$&king world after all…And to think that Joe DiMaggio gave away Marilyn Monroe, autographs and bats! If I ever got herpes from the Derek Jeter tree I’d definitely ask him to sign my balls!!! I’d whip ‘em out right there while he was taking a few rips near first base over at the on-deck circle. I’d have my Sharpie permanent Colored Markers all ready to go and boy wouldn’t that make for a great selfie? Derek Jeter signing the word ‘Sorry’ on my balls at Yankee Stadium? I say put it up there on the big screen…in front of 50,000… Haha…….. Haha……. (one more – from Nomar!) Haha…. Okay, I’m done. That kinda makes the toaster that Mariano Rivera gave ME when HE retired look PRETTY sh*tty right now, right? Okay… NOW I’m done.” – Brian Rainstorm

“What I love about the kids is that they are real. We all wear our false faces more and more the older we get because it seems like that’s the best way to get by in this world. Kids ask the questions about things that the old people don’t like to talk about and they do it without an agenda. It’s in the pursuit of actual truth without bias towards one side or the other (or the other other, haha!). These are minds that are still open to new ideas or old ideas that have become passé and yet are still very valuable. These are my fellow dreamers who can learn to be doers once they learn what can be done. It’s most often the kids who are the ones whose eyes light up when they see all the birds and critters hopping around my back yard. They’re the ones who say, ‘Hey mommy, can we do that, too?’ Yes, you can!” – Brian Rainstorm

“My ego has always ran the show…been my boss…dictated most of my actions… my ego is MY MASTER. During my college years I was always the one who wowed the class whenever it came to writing papers or giving presentations or anything that involves the “look at me!” factor – I always volunteered to go first just to see the look on the face of the student who had to follow MY act….haha….the fear in their eyes… no one ever volunteered to go after me – the teacher always had to pick somebody…haha… We all have defense mechanisms that we incorporate into our lives to handle or deal with certain aspects of ourselves that we have issues with…sometimes we are aware of these mechanisms and other times we protectively guard ourselves by convincing our self that these defense mechanisms are just paranoia or figments of our imagination or sometimes it’s a plane case of denial. As for me, I constantly over-inflated my ego and tried to maintain a high level of self-assurance to cover my great fears of rejection.” – Brian Rainstorm

“But in real life we want to protect ourselves from allowing power to become so powerful as to be able to destroy humanity as we know it in one fell swoop. It sounds far-fetched and crazy but where it this all trending? What is next? What happens if things keep going this way? There is no end to this avalanche without action. The media keeps squeezing few into even fewer and is now down to like six giant-colossal-mega-companies. No more privacy. The whole world’s a proxy. I’m so full of negativity. It’s time to pop another oxy. Something, something paparazzi… that’s another pop song right there…then I’d have two. Two pop songs. What sized cattle prod do we need to wake you f%&kers up? Does Miley Cyrus have to piss in your face for you to finally say enough is enough? Can’t we get some fat drunk country mom to smack that little b*tch in the mouth? Can we get an older brother named Wally to give Justin Beiber a wedgie he’ll remember for the rest of his life? These are the thoughts that often fill my head – I have to remember where I am and understand that there are reasons that all of this that doesn’t make sense actually makes perfect sense.” – Brian Rainstorm

“World…I’m not thinkin’ with my d*&k today. This woman means more to me than that. I’ll just stick my pinkie finger in her toe cleavage when she wears those sexy red open-toed shoes that drive me bonkers and that’ll be enough for me.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Sometimes you don’t even know what exactly grabbed you – you just know that you got grabbed. Those types of violations are fun! When I do my poems right I can get you to think about something that I wanted you to think about and have you think that you were the one who came up with the thought all by yourself. While I was leading you the entire way. That’s scary but it happens. And if I can do it in my poems supposedly in the name of your own good then just imagine what the schemers who don’t have your best intentions out there are cooking up for you right now… You don’t wanna know. You don’t wanna even think about it. Don’t get nervous…You’re already a victim and you’ve been so for your entire life. Ever watch bugs bunny cartoons? Go find some of the banned ones on Google video or YouTube…see how horribly racist they are. Even the Jetsons – not even a token black person in that entire cartoon and that was about the future! Talk about saying something without saying anything at all… Talking robots, flying cars, no black people…hey…maybe Rosie the Robot is just an act – maybe that’s the black lady servant/slave/housekeeper in disguise under a bunch of metal. We’ll have to look into that. And the Flintstones, too. I don’t remember any black people there either…and the Smurfs – a whole lotta blue guys, a giant white guy, a cat and no blacks there, either. Black people…you are being erased from cartoon history. You’re not in the beginning, you’re not in the future… where you at? There’s a travesty of justice going on here that should no longer be kept silent and in the dark. We need a cartoon for black people because I just don’t think that The Cleveland Show is going to cut the mustard. We need an animated cartoon show that MLK’s grandchildren would be proud to watch on television. Is that too much to ask in 2014?” – Brian Rainstorm

“Sometimes I look at great works of art as always being there. Sometimes it just takes another person or series of events to make it visible for others to see. When I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep I wait a little bit…and if I’m still awake then I usually go to my keyboard or empty pad and fetch my pen. Sometimes I think I’m being paged. Haha…a writer getting paged…oh, young kids don’t get beeper jokes. Before we had cell phones we had beepers which were basically twitter phones. But they were cool to us. Damn it! Anyways, some of those times led to some of my best poems.” – Brian Rainstorm

“It is NOT okay for you to do so. That is the wisdom. By the way, I just came up with the greatest on-stage greeting for any comedy club entertainer…are you ready? It’s a good one… ‘Hello, my name is _________ . First off, I’d like to ask if there are any bosses here tonight? Could I see a show of hands or hear some clapping from all you bosses out there?’ (people raise hands and clap modestly)… ‘Well then F$%k You! Haha…that’s from all your employees who couldn’t be here tonight.’ Then everybody would laugh. I don’t do stand-up myself but I do base my life on most of what George Carlin says and probably everything he thinks…Carlin’s best line ever might be when he wondered why it is that here in the United States of America that we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? Haha.” – Brian Rainstorm

“What I learned from GRENDEL is that the only thing that makes life not suck is great music and great women! Oh yeah, and not to eat the old gray-haired women because they taste ‘like urine and spleen’ and watch out for priests because they ‘sit on the stomach like duck eggs’ ” – Brian Rainstorm

“My favorite designer is not Maiden China” – Brian Rainstorm

"Only to an American would this make complete sense: 'If you let me be frank, Joe...'" - Brian Rainstorm

"My ego is so big it now has its own website and recently opened up a Twitter account" - Brian Rainstorm

“Either act to be the force behind getting the first domino to fall or else don’t get knocked down when the domino in front of you falls! That’s some good life advice.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Only those truly great speakers can keep their gold inside their mouths while they talk and still make sense …Why is that? Because it’s a riddle…that is why. And the answer is because they have no gold.” – Brian Rainstorm

“If your life fails to have meaning then you are doomed to following a pattern of seeking to hide in false escapes. I write. In some respects my writing has taken me far. But what if instead of writing I replaced ‘writing’ with another action word. I may have gone even farther. That’s where I’m at now. That and I think I might have Lyme disease. At least I think I have many of the same symptoms that Debbie Gibson says that she suffered from when she had it. I always told her that she drinks too many Coronas! Haha. But, alas, I’m not joking – that would make a lot of sense. What if I had this for like five years and just didn’t know? Can I sue somebody for not telling me? I think one of the signs was moodiness. What if I was just an a$$hole? A moody a$$hole… I’d hate to try to help somebody out by suggesting that they might suffer from Lyme disease if it turned out that they were just a moody a$$hole by choice – that would be embarrassing for everyone. It could lead to a scene like this, ‘Excuse me, Mr. James…I don’t mean to be nosey but I just wondering if you’ve recently been taking any prescription medication – perhaps maybe Cialas? I only ask this because you’ve been walking around acting like a giant prick all day and me and a few of your fellow co-workers noticed that this is also a side effect of the drug Cialis. Since we are all concerned about your health and well-being we thought we might bring this to your attention.’ Yeah, awkward.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I once had a dream or should I say a dream once had me (Thanks, John Lennon)” – Brian Rainstorm

“Every day of my life I have tried to get better in at least some type of way, as you can clearly see for both better and worse, that those days have added up.” – Brian Rainstorm

“My passion is my compulsion for compensation.” – Brian Rainstorm

"Some people will just never get it - not even if you gave it to them." - Brian Rainstorm

“Monsanto tried to patent ME!” – Brian Rainstorm

Like I wrote somewhere around here before – I’m crazy, but not gun tower crazy…

The difference between being sh*t, a sh*t and the sh*t is much more than just a single preposition (or lack thereof).

Sometimes it doesn’t take 100 monkeys…it just takes me and one typewriter.

Only one person in the entire world can say that nobody has it worse than I do…and chances are you’re not him (or her).

Sometimes I think that just staying friends with her is like joining the clergy.

When I look at the Bible I see ten commandments followed by over a thousand pages of fine print.

Even though my walls are flimsy, being only made of paper and held together with pens, they are STILL walls.

The smarter the phone the dumber the human.

"My alter-ego used to have its own YouTube channel and recently threatened to close down its website" - Brian Rainstorm

"Negatives can turn into positives if you have the battery hooked up the RIGHT WAY - or something like that...haha... I'm not a science guy. I'm a love guy.” - Brian Rainstorm

“How the hell did I get sidetracked all the way to this and here? Haha…. Oh yeah…it was the drugs! Kids, don’t do drugs. The more drugs you do then the less drugs there are for me so don’t be a dope and say nope and if you can’t cope then drink some Scope and get drunk while killing germs, prevent bad breath but develop heartburn. Peace, DJ Brian is OUT!” – Brian Rainstorm

We do business as business is being done

“I just had a character in my head from almost either a movie or a scene from a movie. A movie that I had never seen but had to make in some way. It was a drama about a sad, sad female. I also had a way in which I wanted people to respond to this, we’ll call it a musical scene: I wanted the audience to feel as varying a set of emotions as possible because there are a lot of issues brought up in this song. Many of the same problems that ‘she’ faces women as a whole still face or else some other minority groups still face it. Society as a whole still has a tilted male-mindedness to it. It’s still all about pretending you have a bigger d*ck than you really do and so you go for Money, Guns, Power, Meat and Potato-raw type of emotions while contrastingly letting style rule over substance… choosing pretty, shiny plastic over well-worn steel - that’s a shame. We are so much more that!” – Brian Rainstorm

“My life has been a never-ending series of times filled with me waiting for great things to happen because of all the hard work I’ve put into this or that during the previous however many years I’ve lived. I could count on two hands and one foot how many times I’ve actually lived in the moment. Surprisingly, only a couple of them had to do with sex – remind me to talk to my therapist about that. That number should be higher…Anyways, I’m digressing when I want to livgress. Get it? I don’t want to write any more books for awhile…haha… There are many moments yet to live in and the more times I hear this song play the louder the words become. That’s the funny thing about poems and songs and commentaries about each – a lot of time the commentaries will change so much because my perception of it all has changed so much. Often, the greatest value that a song or a poem or other piece of art or film can have to us is that it offers as a reference point for you to return to at various times in your life allowing you to see how your perspective has changed. Sometimes it is drastic and sometimes it is just subtle nuances such as paying more attention to a certain something while ten years ago you would have paid more attention to a certain something else. So what am I waiting for, anyways? Great things! Haven’t you been paying attention? I said it right there in the first sentence of the first paragraph. Jeesh. And those things are coming. I just have to visualize grilled cheese I think and then everything will be cool, finally. I’m gonna try to do that now. I’d like a tomato. Grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches are a hundred times better than just grilled cheese.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Monsanto just bought my D.N.A.” – Brian Rainstorm

I think about writing and write about thinking.

Become your own greatest motivational speaker

The try hards and die hards

“ID10T forms if you’re in the army and straphenated calipsor pins for your car if you’re hanging around playing mechanic too much… When people send you out for fictitious items such as these then you can tell that your presence is NOT wanted.”- Brian Rainstorm

“One could argue that in the end of it all when it comes to time - all that time ever really was is just a series of sequentially lived-in moments. If such is the case then it is best not to waste a single one of those moments.” – Brian Rainstorm

“It’s 4:20… would you care to partoke in a session with me?” Brian Rainstorm

“Anyways, it’s a great message song. Any song in which the main subject is whether or not to jump out of an open window and the main message is don’t jump is a good message song. Had the message of the song been JUMP then I’d have been a millionaire and a member of Van Halen. Well, f%$k me! Or maybe it would work better if I said, ‘Well, f&%k you!’ haha…. I’m just going to go out right now and ask every beautiful woman who reads this book NOT to ask me to have sex with them. Even though I am the first officially recognized male lesbian in the Guinness Book of World Records. Hold your applause for the end of the paragraph, please. Okay, it’s the end.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I believe that men (in general) break females up into three categories. Those categories would be (a) women I want to protect, (b) women I wanna do stuff with and (c) women who I don’t even view as women for whatever reason. They don’t exist – they are the unseen and unheard/unherded. Haha, that’s not funny (yes it is!). Sometimes the categories overlap but generally those are the three. It’s fun to see how they can change, too…It’s easy to give a bunch of examples. I see a hot nineteen year old walking down the street and she’s a (b) to me. But then I find out that she’s my girlfriend’s WAY, WAY younger sister so she becomes an (a) to me and no longer a (b) because I have morals and principals and stuff. But then I break up with my girlfriend. That’s when the younger sister goes from being an (a) back to being a (b) and even gains a (c) title in the process because I don’t want the drama of seeing the older sister if I end up dating the younger one – I’d just want to fuck her and that’s it. Nothing else. That’s the (true) nature of man. We get real protective over our females. When everything is right then we have one women who is both an (a) and a (b) and maybe ten more who are both (a) and (c). That would make every other woman on the planet a potential (b) until there’s a reason to make her into a different letter…haha…” – Brian Rainstorm

“It is a song about a dog who likes to pee on a bunch of trees and sniff the assess of all the other dogs in the neighborhood. Then one day he moves and he doesn’t sniff any more asses any more and for some reason there were no trees…so he peed on…cement. Which sucks because it splatters. And then he moved again and he realized that there was one special tree that he liked to pee on more than any other tree and one ass that smelled better than all the others when he sniffed it. That’s good so far. But now in the song we’re at the part where all the other people start coming and we tell them there’s room for them, too. Does that mean it’s time to start sniffing a bunch of asses again? Umm…I looked quick and thought I was good there. I forgot about those people coming over at the end and one time I took my blonde girlfriend to a naked beach where we fell asleep and I ended up getting sun burn my pecker. Well, I called up my doctor the next day because it was burning like hell and he told me that to ease the burning I could put it in a saucer of cold milk. Well, just as I was doing this in the kitchen wouldn’t you know it my girlfriend comes home and sees my dick in the saucer of cold milk. ‘Good Heavens!’ she remarked ‘I always wondered how you guys reloaded those things.’ The wisdom here is that if the penis joke is good enough and the blonde is blonde enough then you can get yourself out of damn near any jam at all.” – Brian Rainstorm (note, I stole that joke off the Internet somewhere)

“I think that most people would say that this world needs more people like Brian in it…it sure does…I’m just glad it’s him and not me. That’s the next thing they’d say. And if this is the case, as I often think it is, then this is just a dog and pony show and you should just put the book down now. There’s no point. This book is just entertainment to you. F%&k, penis, pu$$y. There you go. There are some swears…go make a f%&king sentence…isn’t that fun? Technically, if you wanted to make a ‘f%&king’ sentence then you would write: ‘The penis fu%&ed the pu$$y.’ This is a ‘fu%&ing’ sentence because the verb (the action word) is ‘fu%&ing,’ The penis is f%&king…that’s the action…If you wanted to make a fu%&ing sentence but the ‘fu%&ing’ was used as an adjective (a word that describes a noun or a verb) then you could write “I fu%&ing love pu$$y but don’t like d*ck.” In this case, ‘fu%&ing’ is describing how much you love something and it is added for extra emphasis. The moral here is that you have to be careful of what you say.” – Brian Rainstorm

Life is li-ke a box of condoms… you never know which one is gonna bre-ak.

“I’m thinking that I might be able to drum up some test case money for that experiment from some colleges looking to make a name for themselves – all they’d have to do is buy my book, go give it to some dumb asses and then see if those dumb asses became smart a$$es…haha” – Brian Rainstorm

“I went to a wedding it was my older cousin who got married and yet I spent the majority of the time with my twelve year-old cousin talking hockey, about being a kid and how important it is to try to make money doing something that you love or at least like to do. I told him to dream big but also to plan for practical. I talked to him about the difference between having a job and having a career. Most people have a job but relatively few people have careers. To me, a career is a job performed with passion and a little bit of love. I think that’s a good definition. And I think that was sound advice.” – Brian Rainstorm

“‘Trending’ - to me, that means I’m getting the names of who died and who got arrested. Or who died while being arrested. And celebrity marriages. And celebrity break-ups. And celebrity poops in the toilet. The list that says trending on my email host is the single reason why I am not using email anymore. Or at least trying not to. Anything but email. Somewhere here I’ve talked about the J. Edgar Hoover files…well, take that to the craziest degree possible and add outer space to it! Good luck to mankind…Keep watching those thumbs and those buttons now, ya hear? Keep being herded…bah… the line to the slaughter is now forming on your right. Keep tight, single file…thank you. Sometimes, trending is when they shoot you up as high as you can go into the sky. That’s f%&king great! Then you get to the highest point you’ll ever hit…still great…then you’ll realize it…umm…not so great…then you get depressed and then begins your descent back to earth. That’s why most people are okay with just having a trampoline in their back yard. Or maybe an in-ground pool with a diving board…that’s pretty nice, too. So long as there is nothing to impale you within the immediate vicinity of the trampoline and you follow the rules written in the booklet that came in the box of the trampoline when you bought it then you should be fine. Same goes for the swimming pool. Make sure you fill it with water first and don’t plug in any toasters and leave them right near the edge. That could be dangerous, actually, hazardous would be a more better sounding word here and age appropriate as well. Morally speaking, that is. So no toasters poolside. That’s how accidents happen and I should know. I was an accident. My mom calls me a twinkle. My dad said the rubber broke or maybe there was no rubber…he was really high during my conception….he doesn’t remember …so let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Don’t do drugs! And if you don’t believe me then go ask your parents! If they’re anything like my parents then they’ll back me up on this. Drugs NEVER lead to anything good!” – Brian Rainstorm

Go get that mojo mofo

“Writing can sometimes be really hard work when you feel compelled not to endure. That’s why God gave us muses…and marlins. And shotguns…and solutions. And Courtney Love. And high bounties on either only one or the complete set of both of Beiber’s balls – still attached to him or not.” – Brian Rainstorm

“See - that’s why sometimes it pays to be smart. And Google helps, too. At least until they take it away and then they blow the cloud out of the sky and civilization as we currently know it perishes in the process. But… I love Google now. We’ll leave the time to think about how we all ended up in chains for just that – the time in the future when we all end up in chains. At least that’s how all the good Mel Gibson movies start and it seems to work out okay in the end for him. Haha.” - Brian Rainstorm

“Sometimes the speaker is so God-awful to listen to that no matter what they say - it doesn’t matter – you just can’t listen. It’s like when you can’t breathe or when you’re really cold or really tired all you care about are air, heat and sleep in that respective order and you care absolutely nothing about anything else. Nothing! Whenever I hear Fran Dressure on the T.V. I immediately begin to think to myself, ‘Turn off the T.V. – Turn off the T.V. – Turn off the T.V. – Turn off the T.V.’ and I can’t stop thinking of anything else. Can’t do it. Letting somebody have THAT MUCH POWER over you is just plain DANGEROUS!!! Same with James Carville – when he talks he makes my eyes roll back into my head and I can see where my boogers come from and it’s NOT pretty. The world is not safe until we have some type of check and balance system in place for these two…and if there’s two then there’s bound to be more, so be prepared! This is the type of thing that’s capable of wiping out our entire species if all things went the wrong way so we mustn’t delay. Giving any chance at all of a massively well-timed and well-executed prolonged Fran Dressure speaking attack happening is just too much to risk regardless of the cost. I’m sorry, but not everyone in life gets to always be the hero. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. It’s not personal – it never is. Now, let the bidding for Carville’s tongue begin at twenty bucks on E-Bay… Hey…we got a bite already! Fran Dressure is going to need her tongue but if we remove her vocal cords I think that just might do it. She might even make my keeper list post-surgery, that it…haha.” – Brian Rainstorm

“Okay no more fine print. Sometimes I feel it’s best to start at the very beginning for the one or two people who live in a rock. Yes. In a rock. It happens and nobody ever says anything and they die without ever knowing that Janet Jackson showed the world her nipple during the half-time show of the super bowl. The president got a what from who when her was where? He said he’d put one of those cigars in her what? Where is that rock? I’m thinking I’d like to sublease it. Haha…” – Brian Rainstorm

Me, I and You are men words. We and Us are women words. Why is the word of a child.

Things can and do go anywhere when I get a blank screen in front of me, I’m high and I’m waiting for pizza.

My ego is so big it now has its own website and recently opened up a Twitter account

My alter-ego used to have its own YouTube channel and recently threatened to close down its website

Men fear me and women want to be with me because I am the masculine effeminist.

I once had a dream or should I say a dream once had me (Thanks, John Lennon)

“Stewing just to stew is stew-pid!” – Brian Rainstorm

"My lyrics are soooo great that I could even turn your sorry-a$$ into the next big pop rocks sensation." - Brian Rainstorm

“Totally cool. Ice. That’s how cool it is. It’s all crap…but it’s cool. Haha…and sometimes you just need to feel cool. It’s just a form of escapism. It’s not something to be ashamed of. We all need it sometimes. The secret is to find and keep the right balance point between needing an ego boosting be cool song and turning into Justin Beiber. You don’t want to be him at thirty-five. Hell, you don’t wanna be him at twenty-four…thinking to himself, ‘What happened? How did I fall so far? Here I am living under a bridge when just a few years ago all those people bought my posters on sale to throw darts at but a few years before that I was actually somebody who thought they were important…and now look at me…I’m living under a bridge with Helen Hunt? Where did it all go wrong?’ Where the hell has she been? Helen Hunt…one of my favorite actresses seems to have disappeared not long after PAY IT FORWARD or somewhere ‘round then. And Phillip Seymore Hoffman died not long ago. There should be a rule that if people love you or you love people then you can’t kill yourself. A rule so important that to break it is punishable by life! Haha. That totally pissed me off, too. Bill Simmons, a fantastic writer for ESPN who lives sports and entertainment said that Phillip Seymore Hoffman was one of the best scene stealers there ever was. It didn’t matter if he only had a bit part or not in a movie – whenever he was on screen you paid attention to him first above the others. I agree that he might be the best at that ever! The perfect example of that it is his character in ALMOST FAMOUS. Dennis Hopper, too” – Brian Rainstorm

“I’m a vagitarian. Bib it!” – Brian Rainstorm’s Frog said that, strangely odd, indeed.

“It’s 2014 already, can we please have an action movie starring GRENDEL? One of history’s best character creations ever!” – Brian Rainstorm

“It’s 2014 already, can we please get Morgan Freeman to play the roll of an older Frederick Douglass before they’re BOTH dead? Put some freckles on Samuel L. Jackson, lighten him up, darken Morgan – we’ll meet in the middle, get another couple of young dudes to play a young Frederick and let’s tell a story!!! Time to get this show on the road!” – Brian Rainstorm

Prison yard rush

“There really is more to life than just humanity.” – Brian Rainstorm

“I love giant surprise hugs from random strangers.” – Brian Rainstorm

Monsanto tried to patent ME!

Monsanto bought my D.N.A.

Stewing just to stew is stew-pid!

My lyrics are soooo great that I could even turn your sorry-ass into the next big pop rocks sensation.

“That would be SWEET! I’d actually pay for that. Heck, the Jews would pay for that…the Greeks? Well…probably not the Greeks…but…hmm…If she had a summer tan going and in the right lighting we might be able to pass her off as a Greek…then they might pay (he he he)… if Liam Neeson can play a snake-holding, shotgun-toting, Southern Hick in Next of Kin with Patrick Swayze and Pauly Shore can play himself in anything then I say, ‘LET THE GIRL BE GREEK THEN!’ I know a bunch of Greek jokes but they all seem inappropriate here. My only question would be whether or not the P.C. (politically correct) police have to get involved if it was a case of only pretending to be a different color or race or creed than you actually were in real life and somebody made a racial or ethnically slur aimed at you. In other words, if I paint my face up black like a brother and then some cracker cop calls me a n*gger and hits me can I call up a Jew and sue the pigs because I am a male white Caucasian? That’s my question. And that one was just for you Dr. Dennis Leary because I, too, am an A-$-$-H-O-L-E!” – Brian Rainstorm

There really is more to life than just humanity.

I love giant surprise hugs from random strangers.

“You have to think to yourself about this image: Melissa Etherege singing, ‘Come to my window and I’ll be home soon…’ and she’s pole-dancing on large penis poles with balls every ten inches – nah, make the balls a foot apart instead…paint the poles black then…do I have to think of everything? Where was I? ‘You left us hanging on penis poles, sir’ came that familiar voice from the peanut gallery again. ‘Now Senator, I asked you nicely the first time you spoke out crassly like that…what? Really… Oh…gulp… sorry Senator, it seems that those were the actual words I left you on…my apologies and thank you, kindly!’ Yes, so the penis poles were all in order…good… that’s the effect we want to visualize here: planned chaotic confusion. Melissa Etherege singing and holding on to giant black penis poles with balls ten in…make that twelve inches apart. It doesn’t make sense! It makes perfect sense in our analogy. It just doesn’t make sense! Yes it does…it’s just nobody’s ever tried it before.” – Brian Rainstorm

I’m a vagitarian. Bib it!

“Show me a paraplegic and I’ll show you a quadriplegic.” – Brian Rainstorm (I may have stolen this from somewhere but I say it all the time)

Show me a paraplegic and I’ll show you a quadriplegic.

"Why do you think they named the album déjà vu? Because of Karmic Charisma. Yes! I just got a call from Buddha….I’m in Nirvana. They had a death in the band…the lead songwriter blew his f%&king head off with a shotgun and they need somebody who can write really cool lyrics while doing a bunch of drugs and go back and forth methodically between screaming and mumbling incoherently. That’s perfect. I’m YOUR guy. When can I start? I have to what? No. Anyone but her. No. I can’t. Principles. She was one of the first of them. Media whore dirt sluts. At least that I can remember. Anna Nicole Smith – we got her! And Titty – what’s her name…the beach…Pamela Anderson…The bounty starts at a hundred per nipple! New or used…I don’t give a shit… These are the ones that helped get us to here. I’m convinced that Miley Cyrus is going to begin each concert by pissing on the front row. Her fans will carry funnels and jars. She’ll write a song called FUNNELS AND JARS all about peeing on the audience and soon begin marketing cut-off jean squirtgun pants that have tampons with twat tubes in them for girls to wear so they can shoot fresh pee from their twats right back at Miley. I hate them. Where is that shotgun? Oh, there it is…right in between that GIANT PILE of drugs and my girlfriend’s twat tubes…hey…I’m hoping she’ll grow out of it by the time she turns sixteen! Wink, wink." - Brian Rainstorm

I like to stick my big thick dick and thumb and cum in bum bum bum bums

Bob Marley and Tom Jensen proudly present….haha….

(the end of running flow narrative)

by Tom Jensen

*

Vasili Alexandrovich Arkhipov

(Taken from: http://www.drugalcohol-rehab.com/famous-addicts.htm)

14 female; 16 male: South Carolina