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SET LIST FIVE (5)
1 Mic Drop…………………...47
2 One Night Stan
3 Meet Michael Hawk………….48
4 There It Goes………...50
5 Living Large……………...51
6 No Thanks Babe
7 Look Her Up…………….53
8 Hideaway……….53
9 In a Jiffy
10 Fifty Ways……………..55
11 She Don't Come Easy……..57
12 Cinnabon Girl
MIC DROP
In I walk
You hear the mic drop
Even the hands of the clock stop
All the fans in stands knees knock
Once rhymes start dropping there’s no stopping
Girls kicking their knickers and panties off
As seats are getting wet from where it’s soft like cotton
The chicks with a flick of their wrists
Are lingerie tossing
We be G-string flossing
The floozies are using my sausage as a lozenge
Then I asked if salad tossing is an option
We all know I come with extra dressing
‘Cause I’m flexing and not stressing
But just to get that much flesh in
There is bound to be some messing
It will get down and dirty
If she’s flirty and under thirty
Hope you’re thirsty is she gets squirty
Look now we’re all sweaty ‘cause she’s ready
to have you and your best friend
to put it in and take it out
Now her mouth
Now her spout
Now her mouth
Now her spout
And now…
BABY PULL IT OUT!
Must be time to console
Oops…went in the wrong hole
(But it wasn’t REALLY the wrong hole)
Yeah, guys know…
(stop look around)
Hey, any bi’s blow?
I still get good wood on the fast ball!
Yes, I’ll fuck trannys who are passable
Go ahead…Make my day!
And lick my balls and @sshole!
ONE NIGHT STAN
Well I’m going out tonight
And I look ‘aight
It’s time to give the ladies hell
We’ll catch one under our spell
And then maybe take her home
You know I love to bone!
The next morning I’ll drop her off
And never call her on the phone
You can call me ‘one night Stan”
Hey baby, I’m YOUR man!
Let’s have a little fling
Who get the girls to sing?
And as you’re calling out my name
We’ll get this kitten tamed
I’ll give you the best day of your life
Then sneak out in the middle of the night
Yeah, you get just one day then I’m afraid
I’ll have to go star on another stage
Today it’s ALL the rage
So don’t feel like YOU’VE been played
They call me ‘wrong number Bill’
Hey baby come and get your fill!
They call me ‘long gone John’
It may not be right…
But you can’t tell me that it’s wrong!
MEET MICHAEL HAWK
I called up this girl who
was going to see me tonight
She told me she was going to
a play with Michael Hawk…
Have you ever
met Michael Hawk?
I heard all his friends
call him Mike
He’s real friendly with the ladies
There’s something
about him they all like
Have you ever
met Michael Hawk?
He’s what they call
a real standup guy
He is over
six feet tall
And almost two feet wide
Michael Hawk might look
a little strange to you
Because his head is purple
His belly is white
And his feet are blue
He’s a memorable man
that Michael Hawk…
He always leans when he walks
He only wears one sock
And he never, ever talks
All the girls fall in love
with Michael Hawk
They say he’ll fit you
like a glove
that Michael Hawk
And that no man rises above
Michael Hawk
Yes, he’s very well
thought of that
Michael Hawk
Come along with
Michael Hawk
Won’t you dance
with Michael Hawk?
Hum a song to
Michael Hawk
Wrap your hands
around Michael Hawk
But never laugh
at Michael Hawk
And never turn your back on
Michael Hawk
Or you might get
slapped by Michael Hawk
For he’s very rash
that Michael Hawk
Have him for breakfast
Michael Hawk
Make him supper
Michael Hawk
Introduce him to your
sister and mother
Michael Hawk
But not your father or brother
Michael Hawk
He reminds me of a pirate,
Michael Hawk
For he’s only got one good eye
He’s made many girls go blind
Other girls quiver
and other girls cry
If you ever come across
Michael Hawk
Don’t hesitate to
give him a kiss
Just so long
as you don’t mind
The slight taste
of salt upon your lips
THERE IT GOES
Ninety nine percent of my time is spent alone
And I give the one percent to the fucking hoes
I’m good for dick and not much else
I have a hard time controlling myself
Those that I love I hurt the most
In time you’ll find I’ve become a ghost
You think you see me
I’m not really there
Behind my fake concern
I don’t really care
Ninety nine percent of my time is spent alone
And I give the one percent to the fucking hoes
She turns a trick
Well that’s a treat
We get a room
Take her off the street
Hey babe
How ‘bout breakfast in bed
Could you give me a hand?
And maybe some head
Ninety nine percent of my time is spent alone
And I give the one percent to the fucking hoes
Some have a job
And others have a hobby
I got an excuse to leave
When hard gets floppy
I leave ‘em hot
And I leave ‘em soggy
I leave ‘em cold
With no, “I’m sorry”
Ninety nine percent of my time is spent alone
And I give the one percent to the fucking hoes
You better get it while you can…
And there it goes
LIVING LARGE
When my fat girl winked at me
I smiled back Immediately
‘Cause I’ve learned to
like ‘em you see
hefty, chunky,
bumpy and large
You know when obesity
Comes running towards me
You know I don’t stray far
Oh yeah…oh yeah….
I’ve grown to love ‘em large
Sure she’s got some
pie on the thigh
And some rack on the lamb
But at least I found someone
Who loves me for who I am…
Sure she may sag a bed
Or perhaps maybe
even bend a chair
But it’s really good
for your head
To know she’ll
always be there…
Sure, she’s got more
than just one chin
And the girth of
two full-grown men
But she’s become
the center of my earth
Not because of
gravity but because
I know what true
love is worth…
It’s not weighed by
pounds of the flesh
Yet it’s so rare that
Two people mesh
Sure, she fell on me
the last time we hugged
That’s not how or why
I got sucked into the
belly button of love…
I just felt so cozy
so safe, so warm
And well-protected from
all of this world’s harm
So now I live here in this place
Living off the
crumbs and gravy
that runs down
The sides of her face…
Sure, when she sits
she somehow expands
But we were meant
to become one
in God’s great big plan
Because I finally found a girl
Who loves me for all that I am
So when my fat girl winked at me
I smiled back immediately
‘Cause I’ve learned to
love ‘em you see
hefty, chunky, bumpy and large
You know when obesity
Comes running towards me
You know I don’t stray far
Oh yeah…oh yeah….
I’ve grown to love ‘em large
Oh yeah…oh yeah….
I’ve grown to love ‘em large
NO THANKS BABE
I said no thanks babe
No I don’t want that
If you end up looking like your momma
That’ll be too damn fat
I’m not looking for a one-night stand
I’m looking for a wife
Not looking to just share my bed
Looking to share my whole life
It’s not easy
chopping down family trees
They call me the gardener
when I’m raking up your leaves
How many men
have you been with?
Any history of disease?
I need to know it all
So answer if you please
LOOK HER UP
You fell in love
But she wasn’t a ten
Now you’re wondering
What if you went back again…
Would you look her up
Just to f*ck her hot friend?
Yeah, that’s the question
Most asked amongst men
Some live to run themselves
Straight through the ringer
Keep falling in love
With all these unplugged singers
When they’ve already heard the story
As we count the fallen seeking glory
HIDEAWAY
Digging ditches by the side of the road – yeah
Two trains are coming and they’re overloaded – oh no
The bomb went off there was a giant explosion
Lots of things got lost amidst the commotion
Lots of people changed and it wasn’t for the better
“Every man for himself!” they all cried together
Yeah roll, duck and cover
Is a real mother fucker
When the room’s on fire
And you’re the burning tire
This scene that you’re seeing
Makes you feel so out of being
Leaves wondering if you’ll ever be the same?
It’s been a devil of a day
And you haven’t yet escaped
You’ll be lucky if you get home with your name
Often times when I’m touring
I find myself exploring
New people, places, things and states of mind
Oh… so why would I be lonely
When there’s so much you could show me
You know that we could take a trip at any time…
Yeah, I’m right here
But I’m willing to disappear
We could find ourselves a little hideaway…
I know you’re husband’s out of town
And he won’t be coming ‘round
You know we could sure have ourselves a day…
Well, mamma said yes
Just like I guessed
So we proceeded on our way
To the traveler’s inn down town
Where we could lay ourselves down
And have a cozy little stay
Well we were walking from car
A boy yelled, “Mommy, there you are!”
I felt her let go of my hand right away
Little boy and mommy looked surprised
Both looked at me with great big eyes
And I said, “Hi, my name is Dave and I’m gay.”
IN A JIFFY
She had a reputation for repetition
Yeah, lots of guys got what they were wishing
Easier than going fishing
Boy, you ain't kidding
Like one-string fiddling
Or perhaps burning kindling
When two hands start fondling
So quickly she's responding
There's a party in her pants
And I was that night's guest of honor
Though I didn't really want her
Even though she's hotter than fire
With her eyes filled with desire
I shoulda took my worm off the hook
And walked away from the water
Because lately I've been being haunted
By an unwanted and unfading memory
Two pictures taken for someone else
For some reason I ended up getting them
I got them all to myself
Yeah, those, and a thong are all that she left me
Well, that and a couple of songs
And now that she has gone
I guess I'm getting along
But it still feels a little wrong
That's she's on her way back to Taiwan
And now I'm back to hitting on my bong
For you see she left me in a jiffy
After giving me a stiffy
I ended up getting one last quicky
And then she was history
She said that she had to go
She had to go and unlock the mystery
I said if these walls could talk
Then we'd both be the talk of the century
She said if these walls could talk
Then we'd both be in the penitentiary
To which I replied that all depends
On who's sitting on the jury
She believed that we'd go free
If she could do to them
What she had done to me
Well I guess by now you see
Why she's able to be walking down the street
And why when it comes to me
They're bringing the heat
'Cause when she got down on her knees
I was still standing on my feet
Because you see...
She had a reputation for repetition
Yeah, lots of guys got what they were wishing
Easier than going fishing
Boy, you ain't kidding
Like one-string fiddling
Or perhaps burning kindling
When two hands start fondling
So quickly she's responding
There's a party in her pants
And I was that night's guest of honor
Though I didn't really want her
Even though she's hotter than fire
With her eyes filled with desire
I shoulda took my worm off the hook
And walked away from the water
If she ever had a kid
The whole block could be the father
FIFTY WAYS (Spoof of FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER)
The problem is he gets no head not a sniff of pussy
The answer is easy if you take advice from me
I can help you make it big your little, little peter
There must be fifty ways to fuck your lover
He said he got no courage around the girls
So they don’t open their shells, don’t give up their pearls
I say if you want the sex then just be direct
There must be fifty ways to fuck your lover, fifty ways to fuck your lover
Put a bag over head Ted
Make sure she's on the pill Bill
Just whip out your dick Nick
Ride her like a bike Mike
Do her doggy style Kyle
Hit her from the back Jack
Play her like a toy Roy
Go and slip it in Vin
Give her a spank Frank
Stick it right between her lips Chip
Tell her jump on John
How about sharing Aaron
Tell her right now gimmie Jimmy
Watch out for a quiffs Keith
Go dive in the gorge George
Give her your all Paul
You better make her moan Ramon
Drop the bomb Tom
Measure her by the meter Peter
Get it nice and sweaty Eddie
Look out for the puss Russ
Whip out your meat Pete
Give it a shave Dave
Grab her two knobs Bob
I wanna hear her squeal Neal
Rub it on her hymen Simon
Go for the cherry theft Jeff
Make sure it's bleeding Stephen
Ask her to free Willy Billy
Shoot a wad Rod
Try not to turn her gay Ray
Don't be a homo so go for the blow Mo
Play homerun derby and give her the bat Matt
Do her in the dark Mark
Watch out for the smell Mel
Turn her black and blue Lou
Don't make her beg Greg
Play Adam and Eve Steve
Lift up her shirt Kurt
Make her your bitch Rich
Try for the whole fist Chris
Make sure it's clean Dean
Don't be a dad Brad
Get her wet and hot Scott
Make her panties sticky Rickey
Never settle for a hug Doug
Go taste some candy Andy
Let her ride the bologny pony Tony
Unbutton her pants Lance
Just give her a good fuck Chuck
You don't' have to discuss much...
He said he was impressed and he’d see how it goes
Now that he’d seen just how to pimp the hoes
If you’re a player know a player plays for there must be fifty ways
He said with this new insight he was sure to score tonight
Later on when I saw him with a lady I knew that he was right
In the morning we’ll have to check her pillow to see if she bites
There must be fifty ways to lick your lover,
And fifty guys who met your mother!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha...
SHE DON’T COME EASY (spoof of IT DON’T COME EASY)
One, two,
One, two, three, four!
She don’t cum easy
You know she don’t cum easy
You’ve asked a lot of dudes who’ve said that it’s the truth
Now you know she don’t cum easy
You can open up your mouth and stick your tongue way out
But you’ll just get claustrophobic and queasy
Spread those legs apart
Let’s cum together
She said but before you even start
I want you to know that I’ve had better...
It don’t matter if you’re gonna fuck or if you lick and suck
We all know she don’t cum easy
She’ll stack ‘em side by side lined up in rows of five
Asking, “Who’ll be the one to please me?”
Wet… that pussy is what you want to make it
Sure, she’s lied to other guys
Look her in the eyes and watch out that she don’t fake it
You’ve asked a lot of dudes who’ve said that it’s the truth
Now you know she don’t cum easy
You can open up your mouth and stick your tongue way out
But you’ll just get claustrophobic and queasy
Wet… that pussy is what you want to make it
Sure, she’s lied to other guys
Look her in the eyes and watch out that she don’t fake it
It don’t matter if you’re gonna fuck or if you lick and suck
We all know she don’t cum easy
She’ll stack ‘em side by side lined up in rows of five
Asking, “Who’ll be the one to please me?”
CINNABON GIRL (spoof of CINNAMON GIRL)
I fell in love with a Cinnabon Girl
When she reached in with her nub
And gave my foam latte a swirl
My Cinnabon Girl
She drank cream from the pitcher
Stole all the butter in sight
And when she called me her pecan
It was to my delight
My Cinnabon Girl
Six sticky buns for here
At least two more to go
And throw in a cup of glaze
Because you just never know
With a Cinnabon girl
She looked at me
Like I had pies in my eyes
I whispered in her ear
“For you it's a la mode, my dear”
To my Cinnabon Girl
I ordered three vanilla crullers
She made ‘em disappear
My eyes grew wide
I can’t say how …
I can only say where
But, it was the last croissant
Which we both did want
So we got into a fight...
Now it seems like nothing’s right
Right!!!
Right!
Right?
I fell in love with a Cinnabon Girl
When she reached in with her nub
And gave my foam latte a swirl
My Cinnabon Girl