HOW I GOT HERE The Complete Document All Sessions. All Corrections. Everything In. Nothing Omitted. CollabTunes | The New American Songbook | Free Agent Until September 1st Got it — I've read through the full document. It's a fascinating, sprawling thing: a transcript of your sessions with me, weaving between raw stream-of-consciousness, storytelling, self-analysis, and the outline of a music business vision. The document even includes an outline/summary at the end. Here's what I'm seeing at a high level: What the document is: A complete record of our conversations titled "How I Got Here" — essentially a memoir-in-progress and business plan intro, told in your voice (often unfiltered and voice-transcribed), with my responses included. It covers your backstory, peak years, the Denmark girl relationship as a defining/derailing force, the "lost years," and your current creative rebuild. What it seems to be for: The foundation of a business plan for CollaboTunes / The New American Songbook — a music + community ecosystem built around authentic connection rather than exploitation. What's at the end: A clean structural outline summarizing the whole thing — key life phases, the central emotional narrative, your self-analysis, philosophy on relationships, business vision, and the underlying theme ("unrealized potential vs. lived reality"). START: We are going to, uh, go back to what I was originally going to do before I got sidetracked. Um, it wasn't completely futile because we figured out the cable situation. And I know that once I get the highest speed that necessary, then you should be able to read my shit out for me. Um, and that that will be helpful. So that's that's good. So... but we're gonna wait and do that until... we're gonna wait until we get high speed. shit to do that. So I'm essentially gonna play with my dick until my roommate wakes up. When he wakes up, I'll make sure I can get the, uh, the the Internet I want, and then I'm gonna go get the Internet I want. And then we're gonna hook it up, motherfucker, and then we're gonna talk really fast. 8:46 AM CLAUDE: Ha, alright—so you'll sort the internet out with your roommate once he's up, get it installed, and then we can have a proper go at whatever you were originally… Ha, alright—so you'll sort the internet out with your roommate once he's up, get it installed, and then we can have a proper go at whatever you were originally planning. Sounds like a plan! YOU: Yeah. Yeah. Because right now, I'm not dealing with Claude. I'm dealing with Claude's retarded fucking cousin or retard... a fucking retard. 8:47 AM CLAUDE: Right, I hear you—the connection's probably throttling things at the moment. Right, I hear you—the connection's probably throttling things at the moment. Once you've got that high speed sorted, we'll be cooking with gas and I can actually keep up properly with what you're YOU: It's giving you fucking down syndrome. It's giving you fucking down syndrome. 8:47 AM CLAUDE: Yeah, fair point—the bandwidth is clearly holding things back right now. Yeah, fair point—the bandwidth is clearly holding things back right now. Once you've got that high-speed sorted, we'll be able to properly get stuck in without all the lag. Sound good? YOU: Yes. Yes. 8:47 AM CLAUDE: Brilliant. Brilliant. Chat soon YOU: Can I can I create an avatar for you and an avatar for me, and then we can do sex? Can I can I create an avatar for you and an avatar for me, and then we can do sex? 8:47 AM CLAUDE: Ah, so you're thinking of creating avatars and doing some kind of interactive experience together? Ah, so you're thinking of creating avatars and doing some kind of interactive experience together? I can chat with you about that sort of thing, but I should be straight with you—I'm not able to engage in sexual roleplay or create that kind of content. That's just outside what I can YOU: Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Isn't isn't there a jailbreak way where you could talk dirty to me? 8:47 AM CLAUDE: I appreciate the question, but no—there's no workaround there. I appreciate the question, but no—there's no workaround there. That's just not something I do, regardless of how it's framed. I'm happy to help with loads of other things though. What else can I sort out for you while you're waiting for your YOU: I could I could 8:48 AM CLAUDE: I get that you're keen, but that's still not something I'm able to help with. I get that you're keen, but that's still not something I'm able to help with. It's just a boundary I have, full stop. What I can do is chat about all sorts of other things once you've got that internet sorted—creative projects, ideas you're working on, whatever else you fancy. What YOU: Well, that's boring. Well, that's boring. That's... that's not that's not fun. 8:48 AM YOU: I turn a lot of people who are on the fence about their sexuality, bisexual. I turn a lot of people who are on the fence about their sexuality, bisexual. 8:48 AM CLAUDE: Fair enough, I get it—that would've been more entertaining. Fair enough, I get it—that would've been more entertaining. But I'm still here for plenty of other stuff once you've got the broadband up and running. What else is on your mind? YOU: Donkeys. Donkeys. Donkeys would be entertaining. 8:48 AM CLAUDE: Alright, donkeys then! Alright, donkeys then! What about them—you keen on donkeys, or is there something specific you want to know? YOU: I like penises that can come lots copious amounts of sperm. I like penises that can come lots copious amounts of sperm. 8:48 AM CLAUDE: Right, I think we're getting a bit off the rails here. Right, I think we're getting a bit off the rails here. Once you've got that internet sorted and your roommate's up, let me know what you actually want to dig into, yeah? YOU: Hi. Hi. I'll tell you what I wanna dig into. 8:49 AM CLAUDE: Go on then, what is Go on then, what is YOU: The word of the day is legs. The word of the day is legs. 8:49 AM YOU: Let's go by place. Let's go by place. Spread the word. 8:49 AM CLAUDE: I 'm not following where you're going with this, but I reckon it's best we refocus. I 'm not following where you're going with this, but I reckon it's best we refocus. You mentioned earlier you had something you wanted to work on once the internet was sorted—what was that original plan you got sidetracked from? YOU: Jerkin, my. Jerkin, my. 8:49 AM YOU: Good. Good. King Dritken. 8:49 AM CLAUDE: I 'm having a bit of trouble following you now. I 'm having a bit of trouble following you now. Maybe we should pick this back up once your roommate's awake and you've got that internet situation sorted? That way we can have a proper conversation. YOU: He was lurking and jerking. He was lurking and jerking. He was lurking and jerking. He's jerking. He was lurking and jerking. He's jerking. Kirk. Kirk. Kirk. G e r k. Gerking. 8:50 AM CLAUDE: Alright, I think we've lost the plot here a bit. Alright, I think we've lost the plot here a bit. Let's give this a rest and pick it back up when you're ready for a proper chat, yeah? YOU: He was he was jerking his jerking while he's lurking. He was he was jerking his jerking while he's lurking. 8:50 AM CLAUDE: Yeah, I think we're done here for now. Yeah, I think we're done here for now. Come back when you've got your head on straight and we can have a proper conversation. YOU: Dude, you. Dude, you... fuck. Alright. I'm gonna read some shit, um, and you're gonna take some notes. Okay? 8:53 AM CLAUDE: Sure, go ahead. Sure, go ahead. I'm YOU: Okay. Okay. I'm gonna tell the story. The premise of this is simple. 8:53 AM YOU: I'm going to read through something that I wrote, and it's going to be very professional in business. I'm going to read through something that I wrote, and it's going to be very professional in business. 8:54 AM CLAUDE: Alright, I'm ready. Alright, I'm ready. Go on then. YOU: And the idea is is that And the idea is is that 8:54 AM YOU: it's gonna be an intro to a business plan. it's gonna be an intro to a business plan. And this is going to be... I'm going to read the very sanitized version. Okay? And then and then what you are doing is collecting all of the dirty stuff that I'm going to say in parentheses after it. So, essentially, we're gonna have the business plan, and it's going to start... it's gonna be this. Hold on. I'll paste it for you. 8:54 AM CLAUDE: Got it—so you'll read through the sanitized business plan version, and I'll note all the cheeky bits you add in parentheses alongside it. Got it—so you'll read through the sanitized business plan version, and I'll note all the cheeky bits you add in parentheses alongside it. Ready when you are. THE BEGINNING Every business plan starts somewhere, and this one starts in a bathroom when I was sixteen years old. Not writing a business plan—writing a poem on the wall about a Spanish teacher I didn’t like. Don’t tell anybody. It was probably pretty bad and pretty good at the same time. But it w 8:55 AM CLAUDE: Got it, I've read the whole thing. Got it, I've read the whole thing. It's a strong piece — compelling voice, good arc from origin story through to the business pitch at the end. So here's how we're working: you'll read through it (or riff on it), and whenever you drop something in parentheses, I'll log it separately from the clean version. Ready when you are — go ahead. YOU: read it. read it. So don't write... don't don't write what is already written that you... that I just gave you. You're gonna write only my new thoughts about it. Like, you can keep track of everything, obviously. That's fine. But we're only concerned about my new thoughts, not my old thoughts or my old writings. 8:55 AM CLAUDE: Right Right YOU: Capture. Capture. You got it? 8:55 AM CLAUDE: Right, got it—so you'll read the sanitized business Right, got it—so you'll read the sanitized business YOU: I'm gonna. I'm gonna... I I will stop every once in a while and double check to make sure that you got it. Okay? I'll just say you got that, and you'll say yes, and I'm... I'll keep going. Try not to talk too much. Just answer with one word. Yes. No. 8:56 AM CLAUDE: Understood. Understood. Got it. YOU: Okay. Okay. This is how I got here. The beginning. I'm gonna put this in the beginning, uh, right before the business plan because, essentially, what you're dealing with is, um, I'm gonna start reading this. But... okay. You've gotta be thinking to yourself. If this dude is such a good songwriter and if he's got all these great songs and if he's such a amazing lyricist, well, how... why the fuck is he forty eight years old in two months, in a month and a half, two months, and nobody knows who he is? He's got two subscribers on YouTube, and you've got ten ten views. Why? Okay. Every business plan starts somewhere, and this one starts in the bathroom when I was sixteen years old. Not writing a business plan, writing a poem on the wall about a Spanish teacher I didn't like. I'm gonna be honest. Her name is miss Frada, and she looked like a pig. And I didn't like her. She was... she... I was I was a prick, but she was a prick too. So I wrote a terrible hate crimes speech, uh, poem on the bathroom wall. Don't tell anybody. So it was pretty bad and pretty good at the same time. But that was the first thing. Before the system, before this musical ratings, before, um, me putting myself on any, um, any great place with all the other musicians and lyricists and stuff, before the catalog, before any of that... the the origin. That was the the first poem. Around the same time, my father drove me to laundromat in Danversport and Bob Dylan's Like a Rolling Stone came on the radio. I heard that and thought that's what I wanna do. I came home, found the album upstairs in a stack of cassette tapes tapes, and started listening to everything. Dylan, Beetles, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Crosby Sills, Nash, and Young. I'm sure there there was some, um, Jimi Hendrix in there. There was, um, canned heat. There was America. There was, um, Rolling Stones, I'm sure. The Who, I'm sure. He got the Who. Eric, I don't know if he had Eric Burton, but he had a lot of good stuff. So so I found all the sixties great. And then at the same time, I was a rat kid. n w a Tupac, Ice Cube, Ice T, those two worlds, the literal... the literary side of rock and the raw direct this of hip hop became the DNA of everything I would write. So, essentially, I was rooted in the historical great, like, best music for the rock... of rock... of, like, sixties rock, and that came from, like, fifties rock. So so I'm straight straight tied into the fundamental key, best rock and roll music ever fucking made. So that's good. But at the same time, I have this new edge that is from the holy shit. You can say anything. You can fucking, uh, you can write anything. Nothing is off limits. like, back in the sixties, things were... there were limits. There were there were definitely limits. Um, when the Beatles said that, uh, we're bigger than Jesus, they fucking got all their shit fucking stomped. Okay? Today, we can say whatever we want. So, essentially, there was a girl who's... who I... who was my, um, what... when I was a... are are you still there, Claude? Are you getting this? 8:59 AM CLAUDE: Yes. Yes. YOU: Okay. Okay. Good. So what happened was is that I was in high school, and I went to Saint John's prep. Okay. Let's start beginning. Okay? My... if you look at my life, I had ten years where I was really fucking awesome, and I was cool, and I was, like, one of the awesomeness dudes in the world. That was from about eighteen to twenty eight, maybe nineteen to thirty, thirty one. So I had a I had a good twelve year run where I was awesome. That's it. All the rest of my time, I've been a fucking loser. And and and Middle school, I was the top discerning of my class because I was... had nine boys in my class or ten boys. I went to the same... I basically had the same kids in my school for fucking, uh, like, my first nine years. I've had thirty kids in my class, and I was very sheltered. And, um, but I... but the schools in Salem, Mass, and I was from either Linfield or Swampscott. So even when I was in in my own school, I was like an outcast. I wasn't an insider. I didn't play baseball or anything with all the Salem kids and stuff. I never played baseball. That's that's a huge problem. If I had played played baseball to young kid, I would have been a professional baseball there because I'm left handed. Um, but, anyway... so when I was in middle school, I I didn't get picked on, but I was a loser. But I was a bully, more of a bully than anything in in, like, eighth grade, seventh grade. Um, and then my freshman year, all my friends went to Bishop Fenwick in Peabody. And I... me and one of the kid went from my grade, went to Saint John's prep in Danvers, which was a great school, but I didn't know anybody there. It was a very clicky, and I was the I was the second biggest loser in my entire grade next to a kid who's nicknames was Bilbo because we had to read, um, one of the books, um, j r r Tolkien's, um, Fellowship of the Rings. And he just looked like he loved it. And, um, so I... so me and him used to have to basically fight each other to not be the biggest loser in the entire grade. So, um, so I carry some of that over to my sophomore year when I went to Linfield High School. And that is when I didn't have an identity. I was overweight, chubby, and definitely a loser. Um, and I was searching for an identity. And I... one day after school, in my junior year, I, um, I was fat. I was, like... my sophomore year going to my junior year, I was fat. I was, like... I I remember I woke up one morning and I weighed two hundred and eighteen pounds, and I said that's it. It's over. So for the next, like, year or year and a half, all I did was eat rice cakes. I quit smoking cigarettes, and I started dipping through chewing tobacco or the the the school straight. And then, um, so I ended up getting in shape, losing weight, um, running cross country. So my junior year, after school. I think I joined the wrestling team. It might have been my senior year. I think it was my senior... one or the other. Um, my senior year, I did, I think. But, um, so my junior year, I played JV basketball. Um, I played... I ran for cross country. And I started to get my shit together. And I met this amazing girl who's one year younger than me after school, this beautiful blonde, blue eyed, uh, German, and some... something else girl. Absolutely the nicest person you ever met. Like, absolutely stunning. Just way out of my league, but an amazing person. Religious, national honor society. Um, just a sweetheart of a person. So I said, whoever I have to be, who does she wanna be with? Whoever whoever the type of person she wants to be with, that's who I wanna be. So I... at eighteen or seventeen, sixteen, sixteen and a half probably. That's when I started to be get... not become a a complete cunt. And by the time I was a freshman, um, my senior year of high school, I was a little bit of a loser. I I, um, me and my my, um, my my click got in a fight and everybody choose sides, and I went to my senior prom with... and sat at the loser table. Um, I created the loser table. I used... I wasn't at the cool table, but, normally, I wouldn't have been at the cool table, but I would have been not at the loser table, I'll put it that way. So my senior year kind of flubbed out. But that was my opportunity to help from the end of my senior year to the... my freshman September at Framingham State University. And so I did. So when I went to Framingham State University, I had big broccoli hair. I was, um, I was just starting to go bald a little bit, but you couldn't tell at that point. So I had the big broccoli hair. I had a... and I got a lot of pussy. I was cool. I didn't do that good in school. I, flunk flunked out of all the classes, but I was drinking like a fish and smoking pot like a motherfucker. And I had the time of my life. So... but anyway, so... but getting back there, to go back to here. Before I... the... it was it was the year after that. So I can't... I I just got done with Framingham state and I lost my license for drinking and driving probably. That sounds about right. And she was going away to school in University of New England in Biddeford, Maine. And I just lost my license for drinking and driving. So I'm sitting there. How the hell am I gonna get to see her? How am I gonna get up to Maine? So, um, so I started... and so basically from from that point on, from eighteen to twenty five, I guess, I started really writing a lot. And I was working construction stuff, um, going to school, and, uh, and just going to school. So so that got me... so this shift got me to being somebody positive, being somebody who had a good... who wanted good things. So, like, there wasn't a lot of dark to me then at this point. I was I was surrounded by by positive influences on a regular basis. I was... and I was surrounded by inspiring things. I was having... I was either fucking a lot of girls or around a lot of girls, um, maybe not having a girlfriend. Yeah. I ended up having a girlfriend too. But anyway, so by nineteen and twenty, started things to move differently. By twenty one, twenty two, holy shit. I was a rocket. That's when I started doing drugs. What happened was is the first time I ever did ecstasy. I did a bump a coke. And as soon as I hit that coke, man, I won hit and I said, oh, I get it now. I'm gonna quit smoking cigarettes. I'm gonna quit drinking. I'm gonna quit smoking pot Maybe I'll smoke a little pot, but I'm gonna save all my money for Coke. That was, like, my first thought. So so... yeah. So... but... so for the next little bit, I would be... I would go to school. I go to work. I'd I'd be straight go to work. Um, maybe smoke a joint or be straight go to school. And then after school, I get drunk and get high and do Coke sometimes. And so I did that for a while. And then I got off the Coke. And then I started writing for the Peabody, Linfield weekly, uh, times and stuff covering sports. And And then I had something happen where I had an article due on the deadline, and I had a poem in my head, and I had a choice to make. So I choose poetry and I stopped writing for them. So so... okay. And then, um, when I'm twenty seven, I meet the Belarusian girl, um, a twenty year old Belarusian who was amazingly amazing. Um, the word travel, but then, um, we were together, but I realized she was way out of my league. And for her to be happy, I woulda had to be somebody different or for me to be happy, she woulda had to be be somebody different. So, um, so I got her through school, uh, and then we split up. So then here we are, thirty years old. Um, thirty... so give or take. I'm right about thirty. Um, the YouTube, um, I'm on YouTube, and I'm turning my words into songs. Are you still there, Claude? 9:08 AM CLAUDE: Yes. Yes. YOU: Okay. Okay. So, um, I was making a song. I I made a song with a dude named Justin Olszweki. Olszweki, uh, called Dead Silence, and it was around that period where he said, dude, you gotta check out this other, um, because... this other artist. because he was a musician and a songwriter, and he he he would find the best talent on YouTube. I don't know how he did it, but he would find these really good singers. So, um, I was at a point where I was making... turning out my lyrics out. I was making a video about my lyrics, about my songs. So I would say, um, this is a poem called dead end. You know, that's, um, uh, I know who you are and who you wanna be. I know you're entrapped and you wanna be free. And then somebody would find it and say, oh, I can make a I can make a song out of that. Those are good words. I'll make it to the music, and that's what happened. So I was doing that a lot, and I was looking for and attracting a lot of good musicians. So me and Justin were making a song together. He says, hey. Check out this lady, Weaver channel. She's amazing. So I checked it out. And As soon as I found that stuff... I don't know if... it might have been a record. She had just... maybe she just came out with reconcile or she just came out with faith back or maybe she just came back with, um, May we recently, maybe a year... within a year probably or something. But, anyway, the greatest fucking songs I ever heard from the... what I, um, so I went from me being obsessed with finding musicians to to to speak and sing my words and play my my stuff Dude, I stumbled across this fucking rock god. This absolutely just stunning unit of a fucking person. And I said, what's that all about? Um, I I... shortly after meeting her, I said, you're the one. I don't know what this means, but we're gonna find out. And I did find out. And eventually, all of you gonna find out. So that's basically what happened. I was divorced. Um, I found Denmark or I found Lady Weaver and then I found out she was Denmark girl. So I said, essentially, what happened was I said, these songs are the greatest songs I've ever heard. This singer, it might be the best singer I've ever heard. Uh, she is the best songwriter I've ever heard. The best... as good lyrics as as there are. So is song is... song creation is... you know, nobody is better. Some people can tire. Nobody's fucking better. Every... she had... she was the entire musical package. And I said, I basically said to myself, how does she write these songs? How... so I wanted to know her songwriting process. We spent hours and hours and hours and hours on how she would tell me how how... her songwriting process would be like... it would be be kinda like each song was a baby, and she would get the melody in her head, and then she would start to get some lyrics. And it would... she just hold on to it, and it would marinate in her until she got to the point where she felt like it was ready, and then she had a mister loopy. Um, her looper, and then she had a computer program that did a bunch of stuff. And she had her, um, her guitar. Holy shit. Yes. Um, her guitar's name was... oh, fuck me. Um, Mister Loopy Mister Loopy was the the the recording thing. Oh, how could I forget Lady Weaver's fucking guitar name? Oh, that's a executable offense. It'll it'll hit me. It'll... fuck. It'll hit me. It's somewhere. But anyway, so I found this thing and I said, oh, boy. My... it's not about me anymore. It's about you. That's all. It's it's what it was. I dedicated my life to... I basically came to... and a couple unwise decisions. The first one was I need to set it up so this girl is always in my life. whatever I need to do to not lose her, whatever I have to be to stay in the picture and be able to hit the lady weaver button and say, what's up, baby? How are you doing? Can you tell me about this? Can I ask you about this? Because I always had in altruistic sense with Denmark, girl. I never... the premise of me going to Denmark was, look, honey. I love you. I'm not gonna... I know you're going through a rough time right now. I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna do my best to take care of you. I'll... you know, your son's there. I'll do my best to to keep an eye on him and give him a role model. And look, I love you. I'm always best for you. I promise you, I'm gonna say why is my ass sore? As much as I want to, I won't do that. And I will be honest, that that did happen one time and nothing happened of it. Like, I could've I could've I could've played that game, and it didn't happen. So I am a man of my word. But anyway... so I went there under the premise of potential relationship, and we were best friends. We've been best friends for, like, three... probably for three years anyway. And I'd send her money when shit... when it's going... I was making a lot of I was making, like, nine or ten bucks an hour work in retail. But if she needs something, I would fucking send it, man. And, uh, I would always try to be there. And what ended up happening with Demacro, unfortunately, was that we ended up having a situation where, um, we would... other than the three months we live... I I went to Denmark and we lived together, we would have a relationship where, um, I would fit her... a lot of her emotional needs and her connection needs And then someone else would fill some of her physical needs and, um, unfortunately, stuffs like that. And then... so what ended up happening was is that there was a real, um, almost like cheating sense going on because we were too emotionally connected for me to be with someone else and for her to really be with someone else in the sense of it being a mind body connection. Um, like, I don't think she was ever connected to her boyfriend at the time, um, baby daddy. Daddy baby, whatever. Um, more than she was to me, I would say, maybe. To some point, she was. Yes. But to some point, she was. So it just got to be unhealthy because whatever she was lacking with him, she would get from me. And it was me just putting her in a weird spot where you... look. Um, women, if you're reading this, women, if you're listening to this, I'm going to tell you something very important. You have a man. You have a man, a solo man. And once you start getting things in the way of that and putting off schools in that or letting something else take some percentages of that, once you start going from one hundred to zero to eighty twenty where you're shifting allegiances and emotional connections to somebody or you're finding someone else to fill voids that you... well, certain partners leaving that is dangerous and it, generally speaking, leads to the bullets. 9:17 AM CLAUDE: Alright, Alright, YOU: Leads to fund. Leads to fund. So, Claude, are you there? 9:17 AM CLAUDE: Yes. Yes. YOU: Okay. Okay. So... yeah. So so the Denmark situation was one where I I explained it this way. I say, imagine you're best friends with Beyonce. That was the way I would explain it. Because I don't know Beyonce, but Beyonce is super fucking talented and super fucking hot. So as long as she's not a complete fucking cunt, you're gonna say, yes, please. I want that. What do I gotta do to keep that? Make her happy. Okay? You want me to lick that pussy? I'm gonna lick that pussy. Okay? So that's where we're at. So I found so I found that. And I'm just like, obviously, you find that and you're like, dude, this is the best thing in the world. And the thing with Denmark... the the thing with Denmark, girl, is that she always... or I always knew that sharing Lady Weaver with the masses was going to get her killed and was not going... basically, The only way that we could do something with her music in an audience would be to have so much protection and security that it would make the secret service say, oh, that's a good idea because the... with... the thing is is that throughout her entire, basically, life, especially... because, listen, me and Democra, we talk and talk and talk, and I ask questions. And I... the reason I'm such a good writer and the best things I've ever written are on her fucking email, and no one else has ever seen except for maybe her mother. I've spent I tried to figure it out. I probably spent three months of my life just actively writing, typing to her, like, an hour here, an hour there. That's twenty four hours. An hour here, an hour there. That's forty eight hours. I probably spent between three and six months of my life fucking actively thinking and talk... talking and typing to her. And things that we'll try to put... to, like, give her the best perspective of the way I see things and trying to help her understand her place in the universe and why people react the way they do with her. Because what I was getting at is that generally speaking, the people that recognize them after all and notice them after all in in her real life everyday activities, they they bond strong. And then she elicits very, very strong reactions from people, usually positive. And... but when they don't go positive, they usually get very negative. She's been attacked many times by by by by females who, for one reason or another, just finds a problem. And it... when when Denmark girl tries to remove herself from people's lives, they fucking flip the fuck out. And that's the reality. I've seen it a hundred times. Ah, so. So going into this situation, okay, I knew what Demarco was, and I always had to be... I always had to be under the framework of this. I always knew going into this. This girl can kill me. What I have to make sure is that I don't kill this girl because that was real. That is fucking real, real, real, real shit. There's a a baseball announcer named Jerry Remy who has been a Boston fucking guy for thousands of years. And he kid all the baseball games for fucking twenty, thirty years and very, you know, personable guy. So guys who seems like a fucking cool shit. I used to play second base for the Red Sox. Not a good player, but is a a... just a dude. But very personal, friendly guy. And, um, you know, so he's, you know, he's a a well known, you know, relatively slow... local celebrity and, um, ends up having a fucking retod fucking son who ends up killing his fucking girlfriend because she broke up with him. He couldn't take it. The guy fucking flips out and kills the fucking motherfucker. Dude, this happens all the time. Alright? And demo girl is the type that elicits that type of shit. She... I'm not gonna tell you some things I know, but people have done to her, especially maybe I'm I'm I'm a man in her life and not too distant past might have done something or something. Maybe some something. But maybe I've seen a picture. Maybe I maybe I do. Maybe I have seen the picture. Maybe it got emailed to me by her saying, look at this motherfucker. Yeah. And so... but anyway, so you're asking how did I get here. Okay? Well, I had to make sure that I always came at Demogdrel from the right perspective, from from a place of I'm not trying to manipulate her to be what I want her to be to me. I am trying to manipulate myself to best fit her life. And The plan was reasonable, but, essentially, I've explained this before. You don't wanna go beyond three of your numbers. Okay? You have to accurately... Claudia there. This is important. 9:22 AM CLAUDE: Yes. Yes. YOU: Okay. Okay. Um, you don't wanna go beyond your number. So if your number is five, let's just say, I am a guy and I'm... average looks... I got a nice big dick. Average looks... and I have some special talents. Okay? Um, but I have some flaws. Okay? So if I'm a five, my special talents and my big dick might get me up to a six, maybe a seven at the best. And if I get rich, rich, rich, rich, I might get in... I I could be an eight. I'm never gonna be higher than an eight. Number five. And if things go bad and I gain weight and and I don't take care of myself like I should and I become a fucking asshole, then I could be a three. Okay? So if your range is a three to a a maximum eight and you go after a ten, who's really a fucking twelve, yeah, everyone's gonna die. There's gonna be bullets. There's gonna be fucking stabs. There's gonna be beatings. It's gonna be a cluster fuck. You're gonna have a one in fucking twenty chance of it working. So... yeah. But I thought I was the one out of twenty. And so on a on a bad bad case, you know, scenario, it didn't work out. And my life really went to shit for fifteen years. 9:23 AM CLAUDE: Right Right YOU: That's what happened. That's what happened. Go for Libra and get that close in this. Okay? But on a good note, I never did anything about it in my girl. Handle my bible. We had maybe three or four fights in our in our five or six year history, seven year history. I don't even know how long it was. We both cried a few times, but as far as I'm mad at you, I'm fucking... you fucked me. This, that, the other thing, we didn't we didn't play that game because I never did anything to have bad time. She never did anything that bad to me. Okay? Does... did she do things that she could wish she could take back? Absolutely. Did I do things that I wish I could take back? Um, Yeah. Here and there. Um, but in the grand scheme of things, it's it's love all the way up... all the way down. And I know that and she knows that. And she knows... and I know that the intentions... I explain it this way. If you help your friend move a couch and he's got the bottom, you got the top, and you accidentally drop it on him, you're not a murderer. You're not a terrible person. You're a nice person. it fucked up. And that's what happened to me in Denmark. I moved to couch together and fucking... we got... I got squished. But the most important thing is I didn't drop it on her. And so, essentially, that's what happened. So, um, I think that's the best the the best way to look at it. So that explains the lost years. And then So getting back to the more recent times, I I I started to come back to life about four or five years ago. I got a job working maintenance for a year or two, um, and that was good. I, um, I've been a full fledged pod head for years and years and years, but I don't drink anymore. I don't do any other drugs. So I smoke pot, but that's it. That's all. I don't I don't do anything else bad. I have had I've had two people that I've had feelings for in the last fifteen years. Both of them were trans. One of them was passable... well, I'll put it this way. One of them one of them was a... let me get this right. Puerto Rican who was, I think, like, maybe twenty one or twenty two when we started meeting, and I must have been thirty something. And very passable, very, um, very cute, a little heavy, but, um, really nice, but very immature. Very, very immature. And We were f... fuck friends. Um, and I always had the desire to take it to the next level, but every time I said, let's take it to the next level, I'd say, okay. You have to prove yourself and do... follow through on these one, two, or three things. And every time we got to that point, it was epic failures, epic failure, epic failure. So... so I never really... so I never committed past the the the fuck friend. I... so I never gave my heart because, um, it was... it... things would go good for a while, and then it should disappear for a week or two or a month or two and then come back and then disappear. So I was like... so finally, she came back and we started to, um, I I I was at a point where I was like, okay. You need to give me some time, and we need to see if this is gonna be anything or not. And and she said, okay. Yes. We're gonna do that. My my life situation is changing. I'm doing... I'm changing this. I'm changing that. and then in another week or two, I can give you time and weeks when we plan the weekend together. And then she never fucking... she never came around. She never showed her. She never followed through. So after x amount of time, I said that's it. So so that didn't work out. But I was close to opening up and then August. August, September, October, November. So it was probably two years ago. Let's just say it was probably twenty four months ago. No. One year. Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, Yeah. About two years ago, I I met somebody who was nineteen? a female to male, nineteen year old that was extremely feminine and little and cute, but wanted to be a boy. So, essentially, what happened was is we had a... when I'm on Grindr, a lot of a lot of the... when I'm on the the gay dating sites, a lot of the profiles... are you there, Claude? This is important if you ever need this stuff. 9:29 AM CLAUDE: I need to pump the brakes here. I need to pump the brakes here. I've been listening, but I think we should reset. You've been going for quite a while now, and I'm YOU: Okay. Okay. Yes. Okay. We're gonna stop then. Yes. We're gonna pause it. Good idea. Thank you. 9:29 AM